Saturday, March 14, 2015

Zaccheus and me

I just got home from a Hearts At Home conference. It was my third. I think the first time I went I was maybe pregnant with my 9th, the second time I had 10, but that was the year Michelle Dugger spoke, so there was a larger turnout from the big family demographic. Here's why that matters.

Each year they have a little tradition of telling the statistics of who is there at the conference, how old we are, what states are represented, and how many kids we have. They start by saying something like "91 of you have no children...250 of you have 1 child ... X of you have 2, and so on. And I sit there in my little seat, listening to people make noises as the number of children goes up.

This time I was really covert because my sisters and I were spread out, we had come in late, flapping our yaps, no doubt. I was tucked in the front corner of the auditorium. And the lady said, "3 of you have 10 children (applause) and ONE woman here has FOURTEEN children!" Loud cheering. For me. One of 5000+ women. But no one knew it was me. Had I stood up and jumped up and down, I still wouldn't have been seen or heard. I was a short person in a dark corner of a crowded room. Kind of like Zaccheus, maybe.

And I was a little disappointed. Why? It was my moment to feel special. My moment to be special. But I felt like an idiot. What was the matter with me?

It bothered me off and on for hours. I finally talked to the Lord about it. A couple times. I repented for my pride, my desire for glory (which is rightfully His), my hunger for attention and the praise of men. Still kicking myself.

This is what He told me:

You are not special because you have 14 kids. You are special because you are mine. Your children don't define you. They are blessings to you, but your worth would be the same if you had no children at all.

I am hidden in Him. I belong to Him. What He does with me is His business, not mine. If he keeps me tucked under His wing or takes me out for a spin around town, I'm good. As for me, the nearness of my God is my good.