Wednesday, December 23, 2009

no songs left unwritten

derek loux, on of my favorite songwriters, has gone Home for Christmas. i can imagine him singing that song. i weep for his wife, his children, for the body of Christ. a great loss. our loss, Heaven's gain. his son Josiah's gain, who they lost at age 2.

and i'm reminded of other songwriters we've lost . . . keith green, rich mullins, randy wright - were there songs they had put off writing or recording? i'm moved to write whatever is in my heart to write.

to leave no songs unwritten, no faces unkissed,
no words unsaid, no opportunities missed.
how precious the days left till i see His face.
i'm living for forever today.

tragedy strikes in the most tragic way
why here? why now? why him? why today?
i walk through my life, and the clock keeps on ticking
not knowing that i'm standing still

like a cold mountain stream, the water is flowing
but numbing my heart, all the while i'm knowing
my Jesus is here and He hears all my crying out
why God, i don't understand

but this is the hope my heart beats with this moment
this is the thought i will cling to this second
that my friend is right now my Jesus beholding
and dancing and dancing for joy (and dancing with his little boy)

to leave no songs unwritten, no faces unkissed,
no words unsaid, no opportunities missed.
how precious the days left till i see His face.
i'm living for forever today.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

why does poop smell?

this is probably one of those points of logic that everyone but me worked out long ago, and i'm just catching up, but here goes.

poop smells so we know to get it off our babies' butts, off our butts, out of our homes and in all other ways get the smell as far away from our health and safety as possible. isn't God good?

yesterday i continued my celebration of the glory of cookie dough, but i made it with fresh ground wheat, so it was good for me. today i am convicted because my body belongs to my husband, and stuffing it with cookie dough is not what he would have me do - i'm sure of it. so far today, i had a bite of cookie dough (eaten before i got convicted), a banana, a couple slices of turkey, a cup of coffee, a chicken pot pie, and a bite of ice cream.

knee pads

i said to my children, go get me three pairs of pants with no holes in the knees. come to find out, that's no short order to fill. we just make holes in the knees of pants. it may be our best thing. do you have any pants needing some fresh air around the knee joint? lend them to us, we'll fix you up.

i was able to help a little by digging out all the pants my #2 son has with those zip off automatic shorts panels - which were all in shorts form, of course, because it's december - and getting the little bag of pants-ends from the laundry room and reuniting and rezipping up all the legs. 5 new pairs of pants, just like that.

but for the long haul, i'm thinking knee pads. they can wear them all the time, unless we're leaving the house. it will feel better when they're chasing a short person on their knees, or if they biff each other's chin while wrestling, or whatever it is they do on their knees that makes such marvelous holes.

Monday, December 21, 2009

the dark side (as opposed to the bright side)

i'll be honest. there's no bright side today. (i'm talking about the biggest loser portion of the blog, here.) if i were on the show, jillian would be cussing me up one side and down the other. you'd be watching from home and thinking, vote her off. i pretty much swam my way out of a vat of cookie dough today. i made enough for a double batch sunday, and today, well, i think we made 13 cookies. i had help with the cookie dough, but not as much as i needed.

part of me wants to just say, forget it, it's Christmas time, give it up till new years. but i can't. for one thing, it's not a gentle down hill slope. it's a plummet, a cliff. and it's a bitter, crappy climb back up to even the measley vantage point i'm at right now.

for another, as i may have mentioned, sometime i hope to be pregnant again. and my baby is old enough that (as people have started to mention to me) it could happen any time. see, my first 9 babies were born with a spacing of between 15 months and 3 weeks and 17 months and 2 weeks. only my last two have more like two years between them. so when my youngest gets to be 7 months or so, people start looking for an announcement of some kind. my husband even has someone at work that sent out an e-mail predicting one of our due dates, before we were pregnant.

i do the same thing. especially because, as childbearing women are aware, about the time my body is ready to start thinking about being able to become pregnant again - i go through a couple weeks of thinking i AM pregnant again. then, i'm not, and life will go on. but every time my baby is a certain age, i start to wonder . . .

and with that wondering, as i get older, is the knowledge that my body would handle a pregnancy a whole lot better if i weren't so dang fat. and i know, i know it would be better for me to get healthier before getting pregnant again. i know this. it is ridonkulous (my hubby's word) to say to God, here i am, take all of me, use me however You will, and then eat as if i'm trying to commit suicide 15 different ways (diabetes, high blood pressure - those kinds of ways).

having said all that, here's approximately what went in my mouth today:

cookie dough
3 normal sized chocolate chip (whole wheat) pancakes (no butter or syrup)
cookie dough
cookie dough w skim milk
cookie dough
homemade chicken noodle soup (big full bowl)
cookie dough
some cookie dough
2 cookies (we actually cooked them)
2 pieces pizza
pomegranate tea w honey
and i may have had some cookie dough i didn't mention

Hark the herald babymakers sing

Do you like the song, Hark the Herald Angels Sing? It was written by Charles Wesley, the 18th child of Susannah Wesley, the 24th child in her family. How sad it would be, if the Wesley's had said, "You know, honey, I think 17 kids is really enough?" Or if Susanna's mother had stopped at a respectable 20 children. I'm so glad they didn't. It's one of my favorite Christmas carols.

Hail the heaven born Prince of Peace, Hail the Son of Righteousness
Light and life to all He brings, risen with healing in His wings.
Mild He lay His glory by, born that man no more may die.
Born to raise the sons of earth, born to give them second birth.


My kids don't usually wear pajamas. It has not been a big priority. We home school. Most days we don't leave the house. As long as they don't stink, I don't care if they wear the same clothes a day or two (or 3) in a row. [Now, on the other hand, I have kids who change their clothes 5 or 6 times a day, either because they are little girls and they CAN, or because they have timing issues with the toilet. So it all evens out in the wash.]

But I have to say, I think I get the pajamas thing. Last night, the Dave show needed something clean and dry to wear at bed time - don't remember if it was a spill or a diaper that got away or if he was walking around naked by choice - and so I put some actual pajamas on him, light blue, the footie kind. And he was adorable.

And this morning, when he came to me all sleepy and snuggly, I just have to say, the pajamas are the physical embodiment of the "mercies are new every morning" concept. It was a whole new day, partly due to the scrumptiousness of the pj's. All the trials of the day before, the markered fingers, the fights with siblings, the train thrown at someone's head, the oyster cracker toss-off, all those things fade into oblivion, buried in the deep of sea, blotted out, remembered no more (okay, I obviously remember them), as far as the East is from the West, gone.

I have often said that God could have made us to not sleep. Or at least not to sleep for 1/3 of the day. But He didn't. He made us to need sleep. I sort of think it's so His mercies can be new every morning. It's not theologically sound, I know. But it's what I think.

(and we have GOT to make those cookies. the cookie dough is killing me)


God told me years ago not to promote myself. It's certainly scriptural. Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and He (and He) will lift you up. Okay, that's a song, but it's based on a scripture.

At any rate, that hasn't been hard to do, until now. Now it feels almost irresponsible. Not only do I have a genuine, honest-to-goodness ego to care for, but I've also invested time (mostly someone else's), I've invested money, and I have these boxes containing hundreds of copies of my heart in liquid form, all poured out for people to listen to.

The cocky thing about making a thousand cds is that you're making an assumption that people want to hear what's on it. I don't have a thousand friends. According to Facebook, I have 176 give or take. So right now, with 8+ boxes of cds sitting in my kitchen, I feel very vulnerable and a little ridiculous.

I suppose it's about trust. Trust that God has a plan, that He will use our little labor of love to do good stuff. Trust that if it impacts 1 person positively, that in God's economy, it was worth it. He's weird like that.

And I also have to trust God with my heart, with my gift. But ohhhh, it feels so naked right now. I have bared (am baring) my very soul to whomever. What if 'whomever' doesn't like what they hear? Wait a minute, I think I remember learning this lesson . . . disc 2, track 6 "You will never reject me, You will never forsake me."

I am putting all my eggs in this one basket - I trust Jesus. He gets my cds, my kids, my marriage, my house, my heart and my big blue van.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

ode to the oldest

my daughter has become my friend. today she sang with me, listened to me, rebuked me, laughed with me, and prophecied to me. how delightful to share humor and faith with her.

[eating log: banana for breakfast; chicken pot pie and probably a cup of cookie dough; coffee and home made chicken noodle soup for supper - i feel good about it, not because i did well with the cookie dough, but because i stopped eating when full and didn't medicate my empty-after-stressful-day feeling with more food . . . i stopped eating when there was still bad stuff to eat. i just didn't want more - and that's a big deal for me, especially with cookie dough on the line.]

Saturday, December 19, 2009

i threw away chocolate chips

and i washed off a beater that still had cookie dough on it. now that might not impress you. after all i ate quite a bit today: cheerios w skim milk, white chili and 1 piece butter bread [it was 1 and not 2 or 3 because i knew i'd be writing it down later], 1 big cup coffee, 1/2 banana, 1/2 apple, 2 pieces pizza, 2 pizza crusts, a glass of egg nog, and 5 or so cookies, plus a cookie or so worth of cookie dough with cold milk.
but i'm a recovering addict. i hate to actually put this in print, but it might help someone else, so i will: i've had such a sugar problem, i've actually eaten rice krispie treats that were left behind (at a church gathering) by a kid and not known if it was my kid that left it. isn't that gross? but i did that. so to throw away chocolate chips that were laying on the table instead of eating them, not to mention that there is a whole bowl of cookie dough in my fridge that i'm not eating . . . well, that's significant. thank You Jesus. You set me free.


someone's praying. i'm sure of it. something's different, better, easier. i went to a Christmas party last night, and i don't think i ate more than anyone else. i think i ate a normal amount of food. and that's really different for me. i don't think i could win on the biggest loser eating the way i did yesterday (home-made egg mcmuffin, big bowl white chili, pbj, hot chocolate, cappucino, salad, sparkling white grape juice,prime rib, mashed potatoes - a non-gluttonous amount, small piece corn casserole, mini chocolate volcano, punch, a piece if chocolate peppermint bark, a bite of a cookie i didn't love, two little rolls, one [ONE] see's candy, chai, and a partridge in a pear tree), but it is just getting easier to make good decisions. so, thanks.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

blowers and stuffers

i used to be a blower. i was a spear throwing, say what you think you mean, mean what you feel like meaning, pick up the pieces later kind of fighter. over the years i have become quite the stuffer. if i don't know how to say what i mean or i don't think it will be received or i don't think any good will come of it, i just don't say. i don't think i'm to the point of avoiding conflict. i've just screwed enough things up and hurt enough people's feelings to last until my surprise 70th birthday party.

but i'd like to find out what is behind door number 3, because neither stuffing nor blowing are really working for me. i don't want to be the proud recipient of a new figurative hole in the posterior, nor do i want to have someone stuff their issues with me and give me the silent treatment

both hurt.

true confessions

the amazing supermom is neither super nor amazing.

what i ate today: a house version of an egg mcmuffin, a venti green tea latte, 2 1/2 coffee with sweetened condensed milk, half a peanut butter and honey sandwich, some delicious pita and hummus, maybe 2 or 3 oreos and a small chocolate chip cookie, a decent sized piece of sugar cream pie, a handful of tortilla chips con queso, and a large bowl of white chicken chili. then, for lunch, . . . no, i'm just kidding.

the triumphs of the day - i gave out chocolate chips to some kids without eating any. the vast majority of the pie was still there when i left. when a friend said, haven't you had enough coffee, i was okay with it (the half cup later on was mostly to warm up). and i think i still mostly ate at meal time. soooo, can i still say i see God growing some self-control-fruit in my garden??

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

what passes for a Christmas song (grrr.)

my kids and i love the Christmas station. but this year it has been bringing me down. it seems the ratio of Christ-mas songs to holiday fluff-n-crap has gone down.

most of the Christ-mas songs are borderline : the a-scriptural do you hear what i hear (i like the part where the king says to the people everywhere, listen to what i say . . . a child, a child shivers in the cold, let us kill all the baby boys two and under in the region so he won't grow up to be king . . . oh wait, that's not in the song, it's just in the Bible); or the many versions of o holy night with words left out that might point to Jesus, like "truly He taught us to love one another" or "let all creation praise His holy Name" or "His power and glory ever more proclaim", instead, let's just say 'noel' over and over again because that's Christmassy but doesn't really mean anything offensive; or pa rum pa pum pum. borderline.

and then you have the songs that are santa, rudolph, elves, whatever. and those are a distraction, i suppose, but don't make me so angry.

no, it's the holiday love songs that make me want to hurl my peppermint white mocha. last Christmas, i gave you my heart; the Christmas stalker songs; and the worst, worst, seductive borderline date-rape song "baby it's cold outside". listen to the words. in real life, if this song was taking place, she would have cause to take him to court. "the answer is no, my mother is worried, say, what's in this drink?" those are signs to back off, not press in. and just in case we're not sure about it, there's a version being sung by one of the biggest pervs in the biz - rod stewart. and he's singing with the lady with the biggest boobs in the biz - dolly parton.

if that's a Christmas song, bah humbug.

progress, er, something

okay. here's what i ate today. and then i'll define what i mean by progress.

for breakfast, i had a pancake as big as my head. progress is that it had pecans in it, not chocolate chips. it was made with freshly ground whole wheat and honey, not white flour and white sugar. and it had a little honey on it, not butter and syrup. and i didn't finish it. i was full.

for lunch i had a plain bagel with cream cheese, and then a second pancake as big as my head. (it's okay to laugh, it gets worse.) this pancake had chocolate chips in it, originally, until the Dave surgically removed them with his fork. no worries, i added more, and a layer of cream cheese to keep them on. it was delicious. then i ate some of a leftover pork chop and had a cup of coffee with cappucino mix added.

for supper i had a grilled chicken sandwich from mickey d's with no mayo. the progress is that i didn't get apple pies (i always get and eat two, cuz they're cheaper that way) or a drink. no. the progress is that i didn't even really want those things.

the progress is that there is a little self control. a little less binge. was today a carb heavy day completely deplete of vegetables? yes it was. but i really ate only at meals, in somewhat appropriate amounts, and was satisfied. there was still delicious food available at all three meals and i stopped eating in spite of it.

it may not be impressive. but for me, that's progress, er, something.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Life is made of ups and downs . . .

some days we smile some days we frown
but every day we wear a crown
because we're kids of the King, la la la la

did anyone else ever listen to the super gang?

did well for breakfast, did well for lunch, had about 1/3 cup chocolate chips around 4, ate spaghetti, meatballs and broccoli for supper and about 1/3 cup mint chocolate chip ice cream. not amazing, but not too bad. i need a plan for that afternoon crazy time.

i go from extreme cold turkey thoughts to permissive i can handle a little here and there thoughts to oh well i've blown it, might as well eat the world thoughts. but i guess one big motivation for me is that i might have another baby sometime, and if i want to stay pregnant until a baby is done cooking, i have to eat differently than even a little chocolate chips and a little ice cream. i have to be extreme. it is so hard to remember that in the moment of the valley of decision, though. i think about ways to remember the urgency, writing on my hands, on my cupboards, etc. i'm sure the best thing would be to not have stuff in the house. mutiny. there might be blood shed. but no, because my husband wants to eat healthy also, and we want to raise our kids to eat to live and not live to eat.

i was singing another kids' song from the way-back machine today: self control is just controlling myself, it's listening to my heart and doing what is smart; self control is the very best way to go, so i guess that i'll control myself.

and there was more self control today than not, and for that i am thankful to God who causes all fruit to grow in my life. i stopped when full, sweetened my tea and coffee with honey, and didn't consume the entire bag of chocolate chips. but that isn't good enough if i want to have a healthy pregnancy again someday.

Lord, help me to be a good steward of the body You gave me.

Pinky and the Brain

either you know pinky and the brain or you don't. i won't try to describe it to you. (easy search on youtube) but in the introduction of the show, pinky says, 'what are we going to do tonight, brain?' and the brain responds, 'the same thing we do every night, pinky: try to take over the world.'

it's monday morning. now i'll admit that trying to turn over a new biggest loser leaf on a friday in mid december is perhaps not my brightest move - heading into a weekend with two parties, yeah, well. but given the choices of a)eating perfectly the rest of the month {note: this is not a real option} b)eating healthy when i'm at home and enjoying the holiday parties or c)eating crappy all the time . . . i'm going for option b).

so, today, we're going to do what we do every day: try to take over the world. i intend to eat healthily: southwest omelet for breakfast; chicken salad on bell pepper and cauliflower soup for lunch; and haven't decided yet for dinner. i hope to get on the treadmill. i've got my babies in their cloth diapers. we'll continue our half day december school schedule. laundry - we must put away laundry. we have got to match the everloving socks!! AAAAAAHHH!!! on your mark, get set, go.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

How then shall we live?

i grew up believing food = celebration = happy = good = escape. our whole culture is wired that way. how do i change that in my house? how do i raise my children to see food as sustenence? what does it look like? how do we celebrate in a way that is not centered around eating?

i don't know the answers. i just know we're not doing it right, and that in the long run, as long as i'm choosing between eating what my kids are eating and eating my healthy food, i will always struggle with the nibble monster. but really, i need to teach them to eat healthy too, so that their food is my food and vice versa.

some of this i know how to do: i need to get back to making more real food - soups, breads, salads, and get away from the convenience and junk. i need to do better at getting the veggies out. i've thrown away more uneaten vegetables than most people eat in a life time. i buy them but am too tired or lazy to get them out. (because it is soooo hard to cut broccoli or get carrots out of a bag!)

i have said in the past that being a mom is just deciding who is sad at that moment. i'm not making everybody happy, i'm just deciding who's turn it is to be sad. well now, i feel that way about all my spinning plates. which ones do i keep going, which ones do i let slow down, and which ones crash?

my life in God comes first, but only in my heart, not in my reality.
my marriage comes second, but that includes some other things. the condition of my house affects my marriage. my weight is certainly connected to what kind of wife i am.
being a mama is 3rd, and that also is impacted by my health.

but even though my health is an integral part of some of my highest priorities, when you're on call with a baby who doesn't sleep much, a toddler who gets into trouble all the time, a preschooler who puts him up to it, and 7 students of varying abilities and temperaments . . . it is hard to make important things be important. i'm having a hard time keeping up with the urgent.

it's the night before church, and there are not matched socks or clean cereal bowls.

day 2

today was, for a saturday, not too bad, not too good. breakfast was raisin bran with milk. there was a quik trip half coffee half cappucino in there. lunch was a pancake. a really large pancake. a pancake as big as my head with chocolate chips. but no butter or syrup (because when you put chocolate chips in them, you don't really need butter or syrup). i also may have snitched 2 or 3 or 40 chocolate chips while cooking said pancakes. for supper i had 2 bowls of white chicken chili with tortilla chips and a pbj. so i'm very full.

on the other hand, i know where there are two large bags of M&Ms, and i haven't had any. oh, there was also this bowl of fruit loops that i ate. it was a small bowl, until i caught elisabeth walking out of the kitchen with her bowl of the same. so she got sent to the stairs and i ate the rest of hers. mmmn, maybe need to discipline in a way that doesn't sabotage my diet.

i haven't been on the treadmill, but i did run up the stairs really fast to get my keys and had the thought - the folks who start on the biggest loser can't run up stairs like this.

my favorite moment today: i was making the aforementioned pancakes - and it was late for lunch, but in my defense we ate breakfast late (because we got sucked into the black hole in the attic known as the tv and it wiped away all awareness of hunger or physical pain or the need to pee). so a couple cute girls came into the kitchen trying to snitch before lunch. one of them had already fought for and won the right to eat 3 pieces of leftover pizza and was therefore not genuinely starving. and they were trying to sneak away with a box of cereal.


so, being the kind, patient, filled with the Spirit of God woman that i am, i beat them over the heads with said cereal box (not hard) and growled and cussed at them in gibberish - which i can't really put in print, not because it's foul, but because it is not any real words. my eldest laughed at me, and when they walked out, said, "i wouldn't want anyone for my mom but you." sigh.

i recently figured out that if there was a report card for being a mom, i would only get one or two A's, one for loving my kids, and one for maybe being fun sometimes. the rest would probably be C's, D's or F's. laundry - D; cooking - C-; homeschool - C+ maybe; health and fitness (see above); dishes - F. but if you look on the back page, where the teacher makes the comments, i think it would say - "Angela has been improving in the area of being poor in spirit, and she is abundant in grace and peace."

grace and peace.

One Armed Typist

i do a lot one armed.

around labor day i lost almost all use of my right arm for about a week, was prayed for a few times, and found out one morning that it worked again. it was amazing.

but that's not really what i'm talking about. because having only one arm function is not cool. but trying to do something where one arm is stirring or typing or eating, another arm is holding and restraining and two other arms are grabbing, pulling, wrenching, yanking, spilling and smearing is, well, counterproductive.

i'll stop trying.

Voddie Bauchem vs. Mike Bickle

speaking of Heaven, all our different ideas about Jesus and the Bible and theology - it will all be answered there. not that we won't have questions. but we'll be with the Author and Finisher there, so i'm pretty sure He will work things out.

it's always been hard for me when two people i love and respect clash. the emergent church vs the traditional church vs the charismatic church. the warrior God vs the lover God. Voddie talks about how we've sissified Jesus, and says, my God is a warrior, He's holy, He's awesome! Mike talks about a God who is smitten with love for His bride, who deeply loves His people, who looks at us and sees lovers of God who struggle with sin, not sinners trying to love God.

i think they're both right. i think He's both. in the teaching i listened to on youtube of voddie (brokenness) he talked about The Shack. i read The Shack. i am sure there are things i disagree with about the book theologically. to be honest, i skimmed a lot of that stuff. but i thought the author captured some of the heart of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit - in a figurative way. i enjoyed it.

on the other hand, i agree that we've lost that thing of being broken and grieved about our sin. we're not. and i love that he (voddie) is so passionate about what the Bible actually says, and could give a rip about what our culture thinks about it. [for a good laugh, go to youtube and look for voddie bauchem on sarah palin. he gets laughed at (really mocked) by the media-chic and the female Christian person being interviewed with him. but he stands firm on the B-I-B-L-E (yes, that's the book for me).] i love that.

so who is God? is He a warrior? absolutely. is He a Friend to sinners? definitely. is He King? yes. Bridegroom? yes. Lover of my soul, yes. Shepherd, yes. Father, Comforter, Teacher, yes, yes, yes. He is all those things and more. He is compassionate and merciful. He is righteous and holy. His Word is a two edged sword, and He numbers the hairs on my head and collects my tears.

there are people being reached by the emergent church that are not being drawn by the traditional or the charismatic. is enough being demanded of them so that they will be able to withstand persecution? i don't know. but i don't know about that with the traditional or charismatic churches either.

i'm just saying we know in part. voddie's got part. mike's got part. gottherd has part. hybels has part. pat robertson's got part. the guy that prayed at obama's inauguration (i forget his name) has part. catherine kuhlman had part (now she knows in full). hank hannegraff only has part. jack hayford only knows in part. i think rob bell and joel osteen probably know something of God. He will measure their ministries, and mine, and were it not for His blood, none of us would stand.


one thing i look forward to about Heaven is the coming together of the Bride of Christ - the church. i saw some friends tonight that i love so much and had missed seeing at church. someone had asked if they were going somewhere else and i defended them, no, i'm sure they didn't leave, wouldn't leave. they left.

now, i'm sure they're someplace wonderful. i know they still love God and i don't question that they are following hard after Him. i just hurt when people leave. it hurts when we divide.

and there won't be dividing in Heaven. there won't be goodbyes. no sorrow, no pain.

i also look forward to seeing Jesus. i want to see Him. i want to know Him fully like i'm fully known by Him. i want to hear His voice and not wonder. i want to rest in Him. i look forward to the end of the struggle to walk as He walked and to run through the sludge that is this life. His face, His pleasure, His presence - that is the prize, the reward.

i want to instill this in my children - that Heaven is a better place. i remember when i was young, not wanting to go there. it sounded boring. gold streets, big whoop. anything gets old after a while. but forever? (open season 2 "i knew about forever, but FOREVER AND EVER?").

but this whole life is a shadow. we see in a mirror dimly. everything we taste, everything we enjoy - it's only a shadow. the One who made every good thing says, THERE is better than HERE.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The end of day 1

so after lunch, i ran out the door with a handful of M&Ms. when we got back, i had a cup of hot chocolate, one more M which i thought was one of those trick peanut ones that is perfectly round and has no nut (they should sell whole bags of those), but it actually had one, and 1 1/2 pieces of frozen pizza. had the day ended there, we could have called it a triumph.

but alas and alak and aaack, there was a Christmas party. on the grand scale, i maybe didn't do too bad. i ate some veggies and delicious hummus, a couple stuffed mushrooms, a couple ham wrapped pickles, a taquito, a couple dips with crackers, a krispie kreme donut, a couple tiny brownies, (oh my gosh, are we done yet!?) and a chocolate chip cookie. i mostly noticed my issue when everyone else was done eating and i had a plate with 4 different desserts on it.

well putting a Christmas party at the end of day one was maybe not a great idea.

i am aware that i think wrongly of myself. i am a small person. yet i put things on my plate as if i were a big person, or as if i were a person about to go on a very long journey to a place where they don't have any food but gruel.

love, yeah; joy, yes; peace, mostly; patience, yes-some; kindness, mostly; goodness, well, maybe not; faithfulness, i guess; gentleness, sure; and SELF CONTROL. mmmn. here's my self control: i brush and floss my teeth every night. when my kids spill or break something, i don't yell at them (unless they try to talk to me while i'm cleaning it up - or if they have bare feet and are walking through the newly formed glass shards). when i play games with my kids or others and i'm losing, i choose to detach my emotions from the game and enjoy playing anyway.

self control with eating disengages when i take in sugar. it's an amazing trick. it's hard to commit to long-term, but i simply do much better without sugar. oy-vey. i like sugar.

day 1 part 2

hopefully, down the road, i'll get good enough at this that i don't need to check in all the time. but . . .

lunch: chicken salad (not too much mayo) on a red bell pepper, 15 minutes on treadmill (100 calories). that's good for me, because it is just one meal. there are lots of half eaten pbjs sitting there calling my name. and i'm pretty stressed out. and i'm cold, so i want more food to warm me up. there may be a coffee in my near future.

day 1

breakfast - spinach and eggs (3 whites, 1 whole egg), non stick spray and about 1/8 cup mozzarella, and i drank about 45 oz water so far. so that's a good start. going on the treadmill next.

weighed in at 229.5 this morning.

why i want to lose weight, part 1
1. i am only really comfortable in my biggest fat clothes. i do not want to buy more fat clothes when these run out, and i certainly don't want to buy fatter fat clothes.
2. i want my kids to have an example of a healthy mom.
3. i don't want people to look and say, see, that's why she shouldn't have more kids, her body is out of control.
4. i want any future pregnancies to be healthy.
5. i want to please and bless my husband.
6. i don't want to be a slave to my body, but the other way around.
7. diligence is a man's precious possession.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

my own personal biggest loser

just watched half the hulu version of the biggest loser - where are they now episodes, and like all fat people watching the show, got temporarily inspired to change my life. my kids talk to me about going on the show. i think i could get on. i am an anomaly. i have ten kids. i'd make a great sob story. i'd cry all the time. i could cry thinking about it. i miss my kids an hour into a date night!

so of course, i think - why can't i do the biggest loser at home? if those people can turn themselves over to the producers of the show (i'm sure tracy and vicki were not the jerks the show portrayed them to be - heaven knows what they'd do with me), i can expose myself here.

so here goes: i weigh 226 lbs the last time i checked (which was pretty recent). i'm going to blog here about what i'm eating, doing, feeling and weighing. it'll be my own little personal reality show.

today i ate a normal breakfast (raisin bran and milk) and a couple bites of a kid's breakfast sandwich. my big triumph was that i didn't finish off the two year old's cereal that he abandoned.

for lunch i ate the equivalent of 3 meals. i had salmon loaf, pork chop leftovers, a large bowl of vegetable beef soup and a well laid p.b.j. i had a cup of instant cappucino, and then later had 2 cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows. for supper i ate normal amounts of stuff, and had a 1/2 cup m&ms later, plain and peanut mixed. my triumph there was putting some in a bowl and not leaving the bags out.

but all in all, i ate enough for at least 2 people my size. help me God.

Friday, December 04, 2009

Precious life

I just want to say how very precious life is. I have two beloved friends who have released their unborn babies into the Father's arms lately due to the little ones trying to grow in their mamas' fallopian tubes. Another friend is holding on to the life of her little one amidst unexplained complications. And we get that. Those babies are so very precious, desired, loved.
But life is precious in less obvious ways. If I were to become pregnant with an 11th baby, some people might think that life would be less precious. It's not. If a woman is expecting a baby after a loveless encounter that was against her desire, that baby is precious too. If a couple spends their life savings to create in a lab tiny babies with hope of implanting some and having a baby or two in their arms, all those tiny babies are just as precious.
They are made in God's image. He forms them. He writes their DNA and forms their tiny fingers and toes and hearts. If He sees every sparrow that falls and clothes the lilies of the field more magnificently than Solomon in his splendor, certainly the little ones for whom Jesus shed His blood on the cross are of inestimable value. Precious.