Breaking up is hard to do. For 39 year old chromosomes, that is. Specifically the 21st chromosome.
This post (originally written in late October, 2010) is part of my private Down's Syndrome pregnancy blog. Private until we're ready to tell the world that we are preparing for the possibility of our baby, due in February, arriving with a spare chromosome.
Prior to a few weeks ago, to be really honest, I've mostly ignored this pregnancy. For one thing, I've been very focused on the baby at hand, the one we adopted on September 30th of this year. Also, for the 8th or 9th time out of eleven pregnancies, my placenta is right out in front, so I don't feel the baby move until he/she is bigger than that placenta, which happens around 22 weeks. So he/she hasn't really been on my mind as much as would normally be.
Until recently. A few weeks ago, on Monday, October 18th, we had our "big", routine ultrasound at my ob's office. It was fairly quiet, but nothing alarming. The ultrasonagrapher couldn't get a good view of the face, heart, and, when we asked if everything she could see was looking ok, said the kidneys were enlarged.
Normally, my husband leaves at that point. I go to the waiting room and get called back when the doc is ready to see me. This time (for some unknown reason that I call 'God') the nurse said, "Oh, you can come on back, we have a room open," and even though it meant being late for a meeting at work, he stayed.
Our doctor, with whom we go back 13 years and 9 kids, explained that our baby not only had enlarged kidneys, but also had a femur and humerus that were on the short side, which he said meant we had 1 hard (the femur) and 2 soft markers for Down's syndrome. We could wait a month and have another look, maybe the bones would grow, kidneys shrink, or we could do some more testing, Level 2 u/s, amnio, it was up to us.
Initially, we said we'd wait. It didn't seem to matter. But then the research set in, I made some phone calls, and there were questions, and, well, suspense. We decided there was nothing to lose by going ahead with the Level 2 ultrasound.
Last Thursday, 10/28, going into the level 2 appointment we understood our odds to be 1:11, but that was us working it out over the internet. During the appointment we learned that our femur and humerus were within the range of normal, and our baby's kidneys were still enlarged. She talked to us about needing to have monthly ultrasounds, talking to our pediatrician and letting him know we had a strong possibility of Down's, and said that the baby looked very healthy, with no big organ problems.
Then Brian asked his big question, "Knowing what we know now, what are our odds?" She said, "You're not going to like this, 50/50." She went on to tell us that the nasal bone was not convincingly present, and that she felt they had had a pretty good look.
Later our pediatrician told me that 99% of Caucasian babies without a nasal bone have Downs syndrome.
I have moments of being teary eyed, but the truth of the matter is that God has been making a baby in my tummy for 5 months, and He is either using 46 chromosome cells or 47's. Whichever He is using, I'm going to call what it "good".
Initially, I was overwhelmed at another battle. At dealing with what people will think. We are already on the lunatic fringe. We have given birth to 10 kids, just adopted another of a different race, while pregnant, and now this. Are You joking God? The name we have chosen for a boy: Isaac, meaning laughter.
I also feel a David-like strength rising up in me, "is there not a cause?" my spirit seems to say. The percentage of babies prenatally diagnosed with Down's syndrome that are aborted in our nation is in the 90s. In Australia I read that it is 98%.
I'm nervous about my own inadequacy. Even though I call myself the amazing supermom, the reality is that I fall way, way short of even my own expectations, let alone other people's. I'm just barely getting by, hoping that if we focus on the majors, the other things will fall in place. (Kind of a 'seek first the Kingdom' sort of thing).
I feel defensive when people want to pray this away. One of the first songs I had in my heart after we got this news was "Don't wish it away." (Elton John - I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues) (The second was probably, "This thing is eating me alive," from Toby Mac's song Start Somewhere). I believe if God is making us a 47, we would be ridiculous to ask Him to change mid-stream. As ridiculous as to ask Him to change the gender or turn a singleton into twins. Sure He could. But who knows better? Me? no. I have nothing in my heart that wants to pray for God to change what He's doing. If the Creator has spent the last several weeks creating a masterpiece with 3 copies of the 21st chromosome in each and every cell, then that's exactly who I want to give birth to.
My children and I all went to a 40 days for life prayer stand in front of our local neighborhood Planned Parenthood abortion clinic last week. We had our little adopted sweetie with us. I thought about how, years ago, I took my oldest young'ns to do the same thing, and at the time, it felt like a powerful testimony, to stand there with my little ones and pray for women to choose life. Several months ago, we did the same thing with our gang of ten. This time was way more significant, holding a little one whose mama chose life for, and sacrificed so much to give it to her. But the thought of standing in that same place next year with my dozen blessings, and call each one 'beautiful', especially one who most of the world and some of the church would feel ok about terminating, well, I long to do that.
I long to show the world the beauty of the Lord in each of His gifts. Babies with 47 chromosomes are a beautiful gift. I hope people will see our little one and choose life.
But more than that, because that isn't really the focus of our life from day to day, I am excited about me, and my husband, and our other children, learning more about who God is and what He does through this exciting new leg of our journey. I'm saying yes. Yes to whatever You're making. Am I ignorant of what it means to have a child with Down's syndrome? Absolutely. Am I foolish to trust a God I can't see? No chance. He's faithful as the sun. More faithful. He MADE the sun. And He is making a perfect miracle in my uterus.
No comments:
Post a Comment