Schmoopy and springing forwarder

I am awake, at 6:24 a.m., courtesy of my son, who decided today to spring even further forward and get up at the nearly magical hour of 4:46. Nearly magical, because if it would have been 4:44, it would have been a neat reminder of Isaiah 44:4 and how I belong to the Lord and crap like that. But it wasn't. (Though, in his defense, and His, I'm sure the baby was, in fact, awake at 4:44. I was just hoping he'd go back to sleep. He didn't.) And now, I predict he will go back to sleep right about the time the other babies' internal alarm is set to begin their conquest and destruction of the planet.

I'm pondering, of all things, the whole grace/law mystery. Is it possible that God, and Jesus, and let's throw the Holy Spirit in there too, is it possible that He/They really like/love/accept/see me the same, at the end of the day, the same if I am good as if I am bad? That whether I read my whole Youversion Bible allotment and am kind to my children and they get all their stuff done and I make homemade soup and bread and walk the dog and he actually poops and I use cloth diapers (on the babies, that is) and rinse them right away and make my bed and run on the treadmill and lose 60 lbs, or I'm a slacker and don't do any of those things, He likes and loves me the same?

Because I trip on the verses that say things like (and I'm honestly quoting an old Petra song here, not the actual Bible, but THEY were quoting the Bible, so that's almost the same) how can (how can) we who are dead to sin live any longer therein. The real verses are in Romans. I grew up hating Romans. I don't get it. Or when I do, it's for a fleeting moment. Then it's gone. This is obviously not one of those moments, now, is it? No.

I've always, I think, been addicted. So happens I'm addicted to eating now. At least I think I am. I have these triggers. When I eat one of them, sweet things or bread mostly, I forget completely that I ever wanted to eat healthy or be thin or strong or a good example to my children, and all I want to do is eat everything in the world, or at least within walking distance. Hence the fatness.

And I really do think it's a spiritual issue. I am supposed to be dead to sin, but I'm walking therein! There are lots of verses, Old and New Testament, about the appetite and the god of our bellies, (end of Phil. 3), and I believe I have heard abundantly clearly from God to KNOCK IT OFF, stay away from the triggers, and eat healthy and glorify Him with my body. If I don't do that, it's sin, right? If He tells me what to do and I don't do it, I'm pretty sure that's sin.

So how can He like me?

(the baby is back asleep, other babies still asleep, but hubs is up now, opportunity for snuggles is gone, besides, I'm in the middle of a ponder here)

My sin continues to separate me, although I know and He knows and you know He already done died on the cross for it. I know (we all know) that it's me that does the separatin'.

I just can't understand how He can like me!!! I can't. I don't. Why does He want to be with me when I screw up every day all the time? Why does He want to be my friend? I wouldn't.

I am reading the book Wild Love by my friend Chris DuPre. (He really is my friend, not just on Facebook). He says, roughly, that our capacity to love cannot go beyond how much we perceive God's love for us. I think maybe I perceive His love. It's His 'like' that I struggle with.

And so I struggle with everyone else's like as well. My husband, my friends, whoever. I don't like me, I don't know why God would like me, why the heck would you?

I think you find what you look for in people, and that may be the key here. It is possible that when He looks at me, He is not looking for the sin. It's there. It's just not what He's after. What I imagine He is after is my heart. Funny, we sing that to Him, "I am after Your heart, I'm after You." It's like that old (stupid) Seinfeld episode (which, maybe I didn't see but only heard about) where Jerry has met his match, Jeanine with-the-long-last-name-like-Galapogos-turtle-but-that's-not-it, and they make googoo eyes and have mock arguements about who loves who the most, saying over and over to everyone's annoyance, "You're schmoopy, no you're schmoopy."

I am after His heart, only to find He's after mine. It's a mystery. A big fat schmoopy mystery.