My apologies

I'm sorry I haven't written lately. I don't feel like I have very much to say, certainly nothing I haven't said before.

My days are filled with emotion:

Joy at the sight of each face in the morning or when little people dance and sing or when children work or play together kindly.

Frustration when a two year old insists on requesting a diaper change by sticking poop covered fingers in my face or when teenagers insist on maintaining their just cause rather than repent and win a brother or sister or when I walk in the family closet to find the floor covered in clothing because the toddlers and small people play hide and seek behind the clothes and the 4 yr old changes clothes multiple times a day.

I have longings in my heart that are not unique to me or to today, the desire for more fruit born in my life, the need to be heard and understood, the hope that I am still a mystery to my husband worth pursuing. It is, somehow, sometimes a lonely place to be, in a crowd of people.

I am challenged to raise my children up and send them out wherever God calls them, even to the ends of the earth, but I whine and bellyache so pitifully when they merely are gone a few hours for a class on the other side of town.

I am disgusted with myself when I withstand temptation for days on end, only to blow it on spaghetti and potato salad, which I don't even like! I wonder if I'll ever be thin.

The restless, overwhelmed, frustrated me just wants to eat away the pain, not that that works, but it provides momentary relief. And who doesn't want relief?

Jesus, would you meet me here, on Monday morning. I need Your help. Even though I love my life I find myself running away to food and Facebook when it doesn't feel good to be me. Fill me with You again.

P.S. While I wrote this the toddlers played in the sugar, ate it and put it in their hair.