Why did we have so many kids?

Please forgive me if I have written these things before. I blog pretty rarely, and I don't have time to go back and actually read what I've said. I just realized I haven't updated my picture in yeeears.

When I was pregnant with my first child and had time to naval gaze (is that the right spelling for the word that means belly button?)... meaning focus on myself a lot more than I could later when I was pregnant again but also chasing toddlers, I had a pregnancy calendar that I was horrible at filling out, full of cool quotes about pregnancy and parenting. The one I remember best and quote most often is this:

"The decision to become a parent . . . is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

This is truer as time passes. They have my heart. My kids are very much an extension of me. You cut them, I bleed. Their stress is my stress.

About this time last year, for example, I had interviews with several different internships in computer science and construction management, one for college admission, and was applying for both tech and graduate nurse positions. I also remember having several papers, presentations and programs due at the same time. Proofing, practicing, making sure things get printed out. I wrote a novel last year. Okay, well, my daughter wrote a novel. But I was there with her all along the way.

And then there are all the relationship type things. For the record, at the time of this writing, I have two children in relationships with people I absolutely adore, and both have my approval and respect. But the emotions involved in all the pursuits, the observing, the praying, the leap of faith, the calling of the father or the girl, receiving the call, the waiting for a response, or just the waiting for there to be someone worth waiting for, are not for the faint of heart. It is hard. Even when everything goes exactly the way you hoped it would, life has a way of, well, draining the life out of you.

I am lousy at handling suspense. I don't watch a lot of movies or shows, don't do a lot of recreational reading, because I can't handle the not knowing. I (re)read a book the other night. The whole book. Because I needed to know what happened. I HAD READ IT BEFORE. But I didn't remember everything. So I read it again. The whole dang book. Stayed up till 2am. Can't handle suspense, even in small amounts.

But this real life adulting stuff - I don't know how it ends. And that is hard. It requires a lot of prayer. A lot of leaning. It is the first time, since becoming a parent, that I have questioned becoming a parent. It is the first time I ever said to my husband, "Why did we have so many kids?!" Not potty training, not driver education, not hormones. Adulting. I'm sure I have written this before, but it was way easier giving birth to babies than it has been giving birth to adults.

The verse I've been holding onto is "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee." I apologize for not referencing it, and for the fact that I am actually quoting it from the New International I-learned-it-in-a-song Translation, but it is really in the Bible, I read it there yesterday in the NASB.

I have a choice. I can stay nestled, stay leaning, my mind fixed on the Prince of Peace. It is not a one time choice. It is sometimes an all day every day choice. Sometimes it is a choice I make over and over again as I wake up at night. I will choose to live in perfect peace, my mind stayed on Jesus, abiding, trusting.

I take it back

I think I probably am a food addict.

Not sure what that means for the long haul, but it seems like I do much better when I don’t have trigger foods - sugar, white pasta, white rice, white potatoes, salty stuff, fried stuff, and maybe animal products.

I’m out of control and not liking me very much.

Food addictions

I have read and heard a whole lot regarding food addictions. I have done a fair bit of abstaining, eating no sugar or refined flour for months, then having something and then eating everything. I have had seasons when I ate clean for 2 weeks or 1 week and then had a cheat/treat meal and then did it again.

I have heard experts say that it doesn’t work to be in my situation, because I cook and clean up for lots of eaters all day every day, and they eat things that I do not. Like cereal, bread, pizza, pasta. I cannot feed all my people the way I eat, though I am nudging them my direction. The abstinence people (who I hold in high regard) say, “if it’s in my house, it’s in my mouth”. If the food is present, I will eventually eat it.

I have mulled these ideas around over and over. [spoiler alert: this is an open ended internal conversation - I do not know the answer.] Am I an addict, similar to an alcoholic, that cannot have one drink/brownie/bite?

On the other hand, I feel it is possible that the idea of abstinence can be in itself detrimental - because any deviation from the plan becomes a once-in-a-lifetime rapidly closing window of opportunity to eat everything wonderful that I will never again taste. Binge card.

Food addiction is not the same as alcohol or drug addiction. I do not put anyone, myself included, in mortal danger when I overeat. I have never passed out from eating too much. Eating is legal. Eating does not put me in a drastically altered state of impaired judgement or awareness.

On the other hand, there are real and significant similarities. I make poor health choices when I eat sugar or bread or pasta. I have more self control when I don’t eat a bite of unhealthy food. I have been known to do ridiculous things for the sake of eating more junk. I can and do absolutely eat myself to the point of feeling quite uncomfortable on a regular basis. And I do real damage to my health and indirectly to the health of those watching when I overeat on a consistent basis.

The other thing I think about is this: I am not just a byproduct of evolutionary process. I have the Spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwelling in me. I have the fruit of the Spirit, which includes patience, peace, faith, and self control. I get to choose.

This I where I am with this today: I think I am much more successful in making healthy choices when I a) have not already had junk (mercies are new every morning, and I am better at using my self control muscle when I have been doing it) and b) I do so much better avoiding bad foods when I focus on eating what is good for me, foods that heal me, foods that fight cancer and diabetes and heart disease: all things green, especially cruciferous veggies, other veggies, beans (preferably made by me without salt), onions, cooked mushrooms, berries and other fruits, and a limited amount of nuts and seeds.

I’m avoiding animal products and processed foods because they are not my friends, they do not benefit me and they are often concentrated in flavor and hard to stop eating. Mostly when I have a treat, it is within those boundaries. But sometimes, I think I will have something off the plan. And then I will go right back to the plan. Because I can go off again some other time.

Nutrition roulette

For him who has ears to hear ...you don’t have to read this, ok?

Russian roulette, the “game” where presumedly drunk people put one bullet in a revolver and spin the wheel and take a shot at themselves, is a stupid game. I doubt that anyone I know would ever play it. It’s ridiculous. Because NO ONE WANTS TO DIE.

But we eat like we do.

Now we all die. My husband’s grandmother passed away last week. She was 93, in her right mind, and not physically miserable. Oh sure, she was a little confused sometimes, and was in a nursing home, but she was still up and about, visiting and chatting with friends. Still using the bathroom. She lived a long and pretty healthy life. She got up to go to the bathroom Monday night, got back in bed, and died.

I think that’s what we want. To live a long time and be pretty healthy and active and then die at a ripe old age.

But we eat like we are invincible. Heart disease and strokes and diabetes are almost entirely preventable. And cancer is 70-90% not genetic. Some of that is environmental, and some of it we can’t actually do much about. But a whole lot of it we CAN.

We just want to live and have fun. No one wants to eat like me. I’m extreme. I get that. But having a stroke or heart attack or open heart surgery are also extreme. No one wants to do that either.

We live in this delusion that disease is random or genetic and can’t be helped and we just hope it isn’t us. But more and more, it IS us. Something like 37% of us will get cancer at some point. More than half will have heart disease, and the estimates are that half the population will have diabetes in 30 years. (Not quoting sources right now - this is more of a rant and a challenge to anyone who has ears to hear to find out for yourself)

If you are someone I love (or someone someone else loves), please consider changing your mindset from a subconscious game of nutrition roulette, hoping you won’t be one of the unlucky ones. Please do some research of your own, find out what your body needs (Hint: it is isn’t just to be thinner) and do that. Every little bit helps. Every salad, every green vegetable, every onion, every berry. Broccoli is better than drugs. Whatever you take in of animal products, make it less. Go for a walk.

Let’s unload our cultural dietary revolver. It’s not too late.

Calorie density

So, for anyone who has ears to hear, here is a piece of info that has helped me. I am convinced that the food God made for us and encouraged us to eat initially, in the garden, is what we should mostly eat now. Fruits and vegetables and grains and nuts and seeds. He didn’t tell them to kill and eat until after the flood.

And with the exception of nuts and seeds, those foods are not calorically dense. Last night I was wanting a little ‘something’. But I had eaten and was not hungry. I had chocolate on my mind. But then I noticed my cantaloupe. A half cantaloupe has like a hundred calories and is so satisfying, so filling. And it’s great for me. It has all kinds of disease fighting stuff in it, plus things they haven’t even discovered yet. And when they, the scientists, figure out the stuff, they’re like, wow, Mother Nature is amazing. (My autocorrect capitalized that for me). But I’m like, you mean God designed it perfectly to give health and healing to my body. He is so good.

There is a great YouTube video by a guy named Jeff Novick on calorie density. It is effective and funny not offensive or dogmatic or anything that would make people mad. I recommend. Blessings.

Ears to hear

Jesus used that phrase. For him who has ears to hear, let him hear. I think it means, you don’t have to listen if you don’t want to. I have some things that I’ve been thinking about that I know people don’t necessarily want to hear. And I don’t want to make anybody mad. I really don’t. But I might just talk about them here, and you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to. And I know there are lots of different people saying different things for different reasons. I’m not a scientist or a doctor. I’m a mom who has been reading stuff that I think is right. So, imma put it out there, and you don’t have to read it, ok? This is for him who has ears to hear.

What if the food we eat has the potential to either help our bodies fight diseases or to encourage the same diseases? Not like a light switch helps a light go on and off. More like how sun and rain helps a plant to grow.

But what if you learned and were convinced that, for example, processed meat (lunch meat, hot dogs,  bacon, everything on a meat lovers’ pizza) causes cancer on the same level as smoking cigarettes or removing asbestos? Would you, if you believed that were true, eat less of it? Would you feed your children less of it?

What if you learned and were convinced that eating a mushroom everyday would help your body either not have or better fight breast or prostate cancer? Would you try to eat more mushrooms?

You probably already believe that eating vegetables is good for you. But what if there was actually convincing scientific evidence that there is a dose dependent benefit from eating broccoli or kale or any greens or onions or other vegetables? What if you believed brightly colored fruits helped your body repair its dna, or that eating beans prevents colon cancer? Would you try to eat more of those foods?

What if you were convinced that eating chicken, especially fried or grilled chicken (compared to boiled or baked), was bad for your heart AND encouraged cancer growth? What kind of information would it take to make you believe that drinking cow milk and eating cheese encourages breast and prostate cancer, epecially during childhood and adolescence?

If you believed any of those things might be true, would you try to read information that proved otherwise? Or would you seek truth, even if it might turn out to be truth you didn’t want to know?

I am on a journey of learning and trying to put into practice what I am convinced is true, and trying to re-educate my family. It is counter cultural. People make fun of people who eat like I often do. It is hard. The standard American diet is addictive, and I am an addict. And because my family, though getting healthier, is not as extreme as I am, I daily prepare and clean up food I try hard not to eat. And that is hard.

I’m not in a good groove right now. But I hope to be tomorrow. And the next day. And also the next day. In fact, I would like very much to wake up tomorrow and make choices that benefit my body completely, and keep on that way for the rest of my life.

I have dropped about 100 lbs from my top weight. I have also gained and lost about 10 lbs about 10 times over the past few months and am in pretty much the same place I’ve been for a while. Seems like I ought to do better than that, if I want to influence anyone else. But 100 lbs is pretty good, too. And I’ve kept it off pretty much. I’m wearing normal clothing from normal stores now. I look normal. Not thin or healthy, but normal.

So, here’s what I’m gonna do. Maybe. I’m going to go for it. And when I can, I will try to share something I’ve learned to challenge you to think about if you might want to make one little tiny change toward making your body a little better at fighting off the diseases we all hope we won’t get but mostly do when we are old enough. For him who has ears to hear.