7 years

7 years ago yesterday we dropped our 3rd kid off at college. The first 2 went to school locally. And somehow, because he and his older bro were a pair, he had never spent the night ANYWHERE alone. 

So that was hard. The drop off was hard. I love all my kids. But this kid had my heart. We had gone through some tough times. 

But we did it. Tears were shed. We prayed. And drove toward home. 

An hour or so later, a text, a phone call. There’s been an accident. One of my dearest friends, my heart friend, along with all her children, had been in a wreck, on a road trip hours from home, and we don’t know how she is. (The kids are ok, one is sitting across the table from me as I write this.)

All that day I prayed and hoped for a miracle, but it didn’t happen. 

7 years ago she was gone. 

For me, THAT was the day the music died. The day my belief that everything would be ok was greatly diminished. Not my Faith. Not my Hope. But my idealism. Everything is not ok. And in some ways it will never be ok. 

I still believe He works all things for good. But I have not yet seen it. Not in this life. I believe He is good. I believe I will see His goodness. In the land of the living. But I am not sure that my heart will know full joy. 

I’m not mad at God. In fact, I feel closer to Him. It is the fellowship of His suffering. He knows our sorrows. He is acquainted with grief. He gets it. This grief, this pain, this loss. He weeps with me. He is the God of all comfort. And He comforts me. 

And I think it’s ok that I am not “over it”. This life is not the destination. I don’t expect complete healing or complete joy here. But He is near. And that is Joy.