Greater than, less than

My children don't mind greater than, less than problems in math. Neither did I. I have taught them what I learned from Mrs. Needham back at Darrough Chapel School in the first grade. The little greater than >, less than < symbol is a crocodile's mouth, and he wants to eat the bigger number because he's sooooo hungry. Then you draw teeth and eyeballs. Fun. Thanks Mrs. Needham.

As an adult, greater than, less than has caused me some consternation lately. Now, before I go any further, I know some people who read this that love me are going to want to make me feel better as you read. That's okay, but understand that this is part of my journey and it will help me if I let it.

As a fat person, I have an understanding of what I look like, that isn't completely accurate. I am like the man the Bible talks about, who looks in the mirror but after he walks away forgets what he looks like. I do that. I don't think I look like what I really look like. Not only do I not think I'm this overweight, I also don't think I'm this old, but that's another story. Instead, I have an image of myself that is something of a comparison. I'm not fixated on it, it's just a relative definition that I'm acknowledging is in my mind. Fat is someone who is fatter than me. Am I fat like that? No, I'm not that fat. Okay, fat is that, and I am less fat than that.

And I'm not the only one who thinks like that. We all define fat by way of comparison. I remember a painful conversation years ago, that has been repeated a number of times in some way since then, where someone described another person to me as being a little overweight. I said, "like me?" The answer, "Oh no, not like you. Just a little chubby."

So we think like that. More fat and less fat. Greater than, less than. There are people in my world (people who I love and respect), who in my mind are fatter than me, therefore, they are fat and I'm not. It's the same with tall. I am probably a really short person to most people. But I don't see myself as short. I just think most of you are either tall, quite tall, or really tall. Only people (adults) who are shorter than me are what I consider short (I know of two).

Well recently, someone I (a fat person) thought of as fat, someone who has always been bigger than me, who made me feel better in the "at least I'm not that fat" sort of way, has lost a significant amount of weight. She looks wonderful. Not skinny, but wonderful. More wonderfuller, it turns out, than me. She gave me her fat clothes. Someone who has always been heavier than me gave me clothes that are too big for her. And the worst part is: they barely fit.

The season of biggest loser that just ended had one episode, the makeover episode, where the guy who eventually won it, Michael, still had to shop at the plus-size store for makeover week, even though he'd lost almost 200 lbs. (Guys don't call it plus-size, they call it Big and Tall. Why is that?? Because the store wants you to feel good enough about yourself to spend your money there. It's cool for a guy to be "big". No woman wants to be big.) It was really hard for him, to feel like he'd come so far but was still so fat.

So that's how I feel. I have lost almost 30 lbs since January. But I'm still fat. I don't look good in my clothes, let alone my swimming suit. I've been working hard and trying, albeit inconsistantly, but I'm still too fat for a bigger lady's too big hand me downs. I am near (but not past) some huge milestones. Perhaps more importantly, I'm exercising every day, because my blood pressure will be high if I don't. But I'm having a tough time staying the course because I want to see results. I want to succeed. I want to be > than I used to be.

Well maybe I am, a little. Tonight we went to the cubbie picnic (Awana club end of year party for the little guys) and I ate 1 hotdog, 1 burger, a little pasta salad, 1 brownie and a small pile of watermelon. Oh, and a little soda. Does that sound like a lot of food to you? It wasn't. There was a plateful of brownies on the table, and another plate of cookies. What I really wanted was a couple more hot dogs. But skinny people don't eat two hot dogs or two brownies. They eat one. So I ate one.

I don't know if the scale tomorrow morning will say something that represents the self control I showed today or the workout I did tonight. I don't know if those stupid size 20 jeans my dear friend passed on to me will be loose enough that I can wear them and breath and eat and sit down without pain and trauma to my intestines.

I'm just trying to be faithful. Diligence is a man's precious possession. My laundry is still caught up. I'm exercising every day. My dentist told me I did a good job taking care of my teeth. I AM MORE DISCIPLINED THAN I USED TO BE!

So the greater than less than problem, it turns out, is not

**The Amazing Supermom is > than her previously overweight friend**

but rather

**The Amazing Supermom > than she used to be**