questions

well, today i'm not writing about adoption or weight loss or even having a lot of children. this is personal, and maybe more appropriate for an off-line journal, but it's what's on my mind, and, you know, you don't have to read it.

tonight at a meeting i went to, i felt the Lord ask me some questions. two big ones, actually.

the first was this: the speaker told a story i had heard before, about someone who went to heaven or had a vision or dream about heaven in which he was there and heard a song he knew and said so. the angel (or whoever he was talking to) said, yes, that is a song that you got from heaven. he went on to hear songs like nothing he'd ever heard, and asked, "what are those?" the reply was that those are songs no song writer has paid the price for. so my first question from the Lord was: what is it worth to you? what price would you be willing to pay to write the songs of heaven?

the second was: what is holding you back? and so many times, my answer is, my kids. my children hold me back from ministry, i say. we never stay till the end of meetings. we rarely engage during the altar ministry time. not for lack of desire. it's just that so much Kingdom stuff is not good for families. but some of the things the Lord asks of me cost my children nothing.

the idea of a fasted lifestyle is one i heard about for the first time years ago, i think about 8 years ago, when i was pregnant with my 3rd son. the Lord asked me to live a fasted lifestyle, i said how long, knowing full well He didn't mean for a time, and He, knowing full well i had no intention of giving myself fully to Him, said, how about until the end of your pregnancy? that lasted a couple weeks, i think (which is not anywhere near how much longer i was pregnant). and the Lord brings it up from time to time. He brought it up tonight.

a fasted lifestyle does not necessarily mean never having X again. i am not sure it is a full blown Nazarite vow. i think it is more a life of belonging, of sustained decision making with a lovesick motivator - simply put, choosing to lay aside earthly pleasures for the sake of laying up heavenly treasures.

i want to look like my Daddy. i want to look like i belong to my Father. but more than that, i want to belong to Him.

what's it worth to me?
what price am i willing to pay?
what is holding me back?

i have this innate desire to be a radical. some teaching i heard a long time ago - deny yourself, take up your cross, follow me. i love that radical stuff. the crazy-love stuff. sell all you have and give everything to the poor.

i can't do the radical things i'd like to do. but i can live a fasted lifestyle at no additional drain on my children's lives or relationship with me. they don't have to stay up past their bedtimes, go to the nursery, eat dinner in the car or be babysat (or babysit) for hours on end. every time i say no to my flesh and yes to God, i get stronger and the enemy gets weaker. when my flesh gets weaker, my spirit gets stronger. i develop a habit of obedience, of listening, of devoting. and no one has to know a thing.

except the entire world wide web, because i'm pouring my heart out here for anyone to read who wants to. so much for hiddenness.