Success, er, maybe

My most healthy pregnancy.  I weighed within 5 lbs when I delivered of what I weighed when I got pregnant.  I achieved my goals of getting to have a spontaneous, epidural free, pitocin free delivery.  It was marvelous.

As a result, I now weigh the least I've weighed in at least 15 years.  I put on a pair of shorts today that were my "goal" shorts 2 years ago.  A week after having a baby, I could button them.  (I didn't look good, but I got them on easily) 

Now I'm in that difficult phase of what is next.  I am still in the continuous straddle between being a healthy eater and a binge ridden fool.  I still am sometimes full of self control and am sometimes full of weakness, eating whatever I can get my hands on.  Sometimes forsaking the things I'm not eating are my license to eat too much of what I am.  Not having any chocolate chip cake?  I'll have 4 pieces of Ezekiel bread with plenty of butter.  Not having coffee?  How about a large glass of whole milk? 

You can get fat that way.  Trust me, I know. 

I waver between trusting my Maker to supply all my needs and the snarky desire to meet my emotional needs myself, my way.  And that is hard to stop, once I start.

And it seems that when my eating is out of control, so is my mouth, in other ways.  I am less kind with my words and my tone.  I flap too much and pray too little. 

And then being under 200 lbs doesn't really mean anything.  I have to have discipline today.  I have to walk in submission now.  There is no coasting in the spirit.  If my face and heart are turned toward Him, I have peace and rest.  If they are not, I need to repent. 

I repent.  Change my heart God.  Turn my spirit, fix my gaze on Your beauty.  Draw me after You.  Fill me with You until I want nothing else.  Only You satisfy.