The Unknown

The baby's head is down.  Or was, yesterday at around 12:45.  This was, I thought, somewhat miraculous, since early that morning I'm pretty sure there were all the wrong parts busy in all the wrong places.  I now recognize (or at least I believe I do) what head down feels like, or at least what butt up feels like.  And I don't know for sure that the baby is committed to staying there, but I am hopeful, since the child at least found it once, and not because I helped.  I didn't really. 

I tried.  I went swimming and was upside down as much as I could be without passing out (didn't have a scuba tank on hand).  I did pelvic elevations and inversions and mostly got a headache and felt like I was strangling.  And we prayed.  I didn't put bags of frozen peas on top of my stomach or burn incense between my toes.  I didn't play classical music or shine a flash light on the bottom of my abdomen.  We didn't really talk to the baby either because, well, frankly, I have children on the outside of me who speak English that don't necessarily do what I tell them to do.  But we did pray.  And that is what I think made the difference. 

And we will continue to pray.  In fact, we will pray often, without ceasing, so to speak.  Because that is really what we can do. 

I've been struggling with the UNKNOWN. 

As a rule, I do not handle suspense well.  I don't enjoy movies or television if I don't know what is going to happen at the end (I look up spoilers on my smart phone).  My favorite movie to watch is one I just saw.  Then I can enjoy the details.  The first time for me is torture.  I don't even really deal well with stupid kid tv.  I like re-runs because I know the characters all survive. 

So real life is sometimes overwhelming.  To make it worse, I try to figure it out.  By the calendar, my due date should have been August 15th.  By my first ultrasound, the baby is due 8/22.  By the second one, 8/17.  My doctor, for my sake, went with the latest date so that we can wait as long as possible for me to go into labor spontaneously, which is what I truly want. 

My blood pressure started to go up about a week and a half ago, but I started the medicine for that, so it's under control now, which should, in turn, keep the complications that go with high blood pressure at bay - placental abruption and liver enzyme problems.  So far, so good.

But at 31 and 35 weeks baby is frank breech.  "Come back in 2 weeks, if the baby is still breech, we'll do an external cephalic version."  Week 37 baby is transverse.  "This is much better, let's wait another week and see if baby figures it out."  Week 38 (which might be week 39) baby is head down.

The All Wise, All Knowing, All Seeing Internet says the e.c.v. is most effective at 37 weeks and gets less effective each week.  It also says once the baby is head down it will probably stay there, to the tune of 96%.  But IT doesn't mean me.  It doesn't mean when it's your 12th baby.  It doesn't know that I could take my uterus out and use it as a tent, it's so stretched out. 

And my doctor doesn't know for sure either.  We went from "normally we would do a version this week and an induction next week" to "if you come into the hospital in labor we can try to turn the baby then".  He isn't being unkind.  He just doesn't know. 

I don't know.  I don't know anything.  I make these weird chart/calendar things with all the possible dates I could have the baby, the 10th if the first version goes wrong, the 17th if an induction is necessary, as early as the 12th if I am really due the 15th, as late as the 30th if I am really due the 22nd. 

Will baby stay head down?  Would it be better to induce sometime when we know the head is down?  Or better to wait for labor to happen on its own and hope the head happens to be down when that day comes?  If the baby flips again and I'm sure of it, do I call and ask for a version at that point? 

You see what I mean.  Unknown. 

It isn't a lack of control.  It is the temptation to try to take control.  I can take control.  If the baby flips again I could call and say, please flip this kid and induce me.  I'm well within range of that being acceptable.  It would probably go fairly well and be as good as most of my labors.  I know how to do a week early induction.  Been there, done that.

But I have these desires for this pregnancy and labor and delivery.  And so much of it has happened.  My best pregnancy ever.  My rings are still loose.  I've NEVER worn my rings at the end of my pregnancy.  I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome.  Normally I have to wear my shoes or my feet hurt.  I have been happily barefoot and pregnant most of the last 8 months.  I can still wear my shoes too.  The heartburn hasn't been bad.  I feel great.  I look pretty good, for me.  I've gained something like 5 lbs, start to finish. 

And a big part of my motivation for staying very near my starting weight is having the opportunity to go into labor on my own and have labor and delivery like normal people, just having contractions because my baby is ready to be born, no bed rest, no bleeding, no pitocin. 

And no control.  No induction means no control.  It means suspense.  It means I have a range of at least 10 days during which I could go into labor.  And I don't know when it will be.  Probably August.  I don't think I will still be pregnant in September.  But I guess even that is possible. 

When it's all said and done (and me, being me, will have said it several more times prior to it being done), I'm leaning.  I am staying near to the One who knows.  I'm nearsighted and hard of hearing (figuratively)(okay, I really am nearsighted) and I have no choice but to stay very near to the One who sees and knows.  The only peace to be found is leaning on my Beloved.  I cannot know, I choose not to take control, all I can do is lean.