The Suspense . . .

First of all, let me say that cookie dough ice cream never has enough cookie dough, but that it is greatly improved with bananas and some added chocolate chips.

Secondly, lamb palak is one of the best foods in the world, but is also the ugliest.

Thirdly, I want to acknowledge that my whining here is grossly inappropriate in light of the magnitude of blessing in my life. I know I am blessed beyond measure, wealthy beyond my wildest dreams in the most priceless form. I have friends who have suffered much, lost much, grieved long and hard, and every pettiness I express here is quite ridiculous in light of true pain. So I apologize for doing this, and I hope you dear friends know that I know I should just shut up and be thankful. I'm just processing, thinking, feeling in a written form, but I do know how precious my struggle is.

I think I figured something out, talking to my sister today. I've whined about there being so many more variables this time. Normally the choices are A) I'm pregnant until I am induced for high blood pressure (after an appointment), or B) I'm pregnant until I go into labor at 41-ish weeks. So either after an appointment or in 3.5 weeks. But having the possiblity of a baby equipped with an extra chromosome means that I could really go any time - that is a new scenario for me.

So my list of unknowns are: Boy or Girl, 46 or 47, Induced or Spontaneous, Anytime in the next 3 and a half weeks. Compared to normal for me which is Boy or Girl, induced after check-up or Spontaneous at 41 wks.

Here is the thing I hadn't thought through, though. (How often do you use thought and through and though consecutively?) If our baby has Trisomy 21, there are pages of unknowns. Will he/she nurse well, breathe well, need oxygen support, room in, have heart defects, and a vast array of other issues. Vast. I have frequented www.babycenter.com, on the Down syndrome pregnancy board over the last few months, and have paid much attention to things like markers and labor with Ds and Nicu stays, and have dropped by the Down syndrome board (for moms of children with Ds) but very little. Very, very little.

There is a world of unknowns. And I have not gone there. Part of that is the old optimism I got from my mother - no need to worry about what you don't know yet. Part of it is scriptural - Jesus said not to worry, that tomorrow will take care of itself. And part of it is practical - even if we had a diagnosis, all we would know is that our baby has an extra chromosome. The rest we wont know until we meet him/her.

But part of it is cowardice. And that timid me is lurking. And when I deliver, boy or girl, sooner or later, induced or on my own, easy or hard, 46 or 47, I will have to confront that.

I have accepted the "idea" of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality. I have not begun to consider much beyond that. Oh I did a little research about Early Intervention and homeschooling with Ds. I talked to some friends (and strangers) who had kids with that and other disabilities. But I have not emotionally gone all the way there.

How can I? And yet . . .

That is the suspense. Not that I knew anything when any of my other children were born. I didn't know what struggles they would encounter, what battles they would face, what abilities they would have, what failures they would experience. Taking it one day at a time is something I'm good at, maybe too good.

On my baby's birthday, I will have a baby. We will deal with the immediate needs. Feeding, pooping, peeing, jaundice?, milk supply, umbilical cord, circumcision maybe. Perhaps other things, pumping, nicu, testing, weight gain, temperature.

But all of that is just the starting gate. It's just the wedding. None of that is the marriage. None of that is rubber becoming acquainted with road. The happily ever after.

So even on that day, there will still be a world of unknowns. I'll just have a slightly better grasp on how very little I know. Or a slightly greater curiousity to know what I can't know.

You see where crystal balls, fortune telling, tarot cards, palm reading, horoscopes and signs, all of that has so much power with us. We want to know what is ahead.

The good news is that I am in the confidence of the One Who knows all. The bad news is He doesn't tell me everything. S'okay. I couldn't handle it if He did. The other good news is that He will give me whatever I need for whatever is ahead.

So I've settled on the following strategy to deal with the suspense: I am going to try to be ready for anytime, but plan on having a baby in March. March is a good time to have a baby. And all the other questions, I am asking my Father to prepare my heart for the gift He has for me.