5 months and 1 day

That's how pregnant I am. Or 22 weeks 7 days. More than half way. With my first child, as I've said before, I was content to stay pregnant for however long. I felt great. In fact, I think I agreed to that first induction because it had never occurred to me not to. My doctor offered to induce me 4 days after my due date, I said yes.

With each additional pregnancy I have begun to retreat into my cave more and more. The last week, the last month, the last trimester. As my due date approached, I would flake out, cancel rehearsals, disappear.

But for the last few pregnancies, I feel that way even before I take the pregnancy test. I just want to hide. I still enjoy quiet moments with close friends, but I don't want to do group things, parties, social gatherings. If I could do it, I'd stay home from almost everything, school, church, soccer.

I want to be home. I would love to just be here, doing mommy things. That's not my normal way. But as a pregnant person, I like to be home, especially when my husband is also here.

I suppose that includes this blog. I haven't written lately because this didn't feel like it was part of my cave. But here goes, a smattering of the many thoughts I've neglected to mention in the last several weeks. Sorry. Here is my update at 5 months and 1 day.

My favorite thing (read: obsession) is to read birth stories. I have focused on natural birth stories this time. I am committed to not having an epidural for this baby. I have given birth 3 times with one, 6 times without, and 2 in the process of receiving one, which I do not recommend.

I have changed my eating strategy. I am no longer focusing on major protein intake. I've decided that is for people with pre-eclampsia. I don't have pre-e. I have high blood pressure. My mom has high blood pressure, my dad has high blood pressure, and I have it. I have it because I am fat and it is in my genes. It is worst at the end of my pregnancies because that is when I am the biggest.

So I will take drugs for blood pressure when it happens, if it happens, and in the mean time, my goal is to weigh as little as is possible when I deliver. Today I weigh about what I did when I got pregnant (204.5). I would love to get back under 200 lbs. I think if I could deliver a baby at 180 something that would be even better.

So instead of my big protein thing and low carb thing, I am watching my calories. Still avoiding refined carbs. Still not eating sugar. Still not drinking coffee. Still trying to eat a lot of veggies, because they are more satisfying. I'm using my little kitchen scale and measuring things. I'm using myfitnesspal.com to keep track of what I eat.

It feels more like self-control, more balanced, more sustainable.

I'm also chewing gum when I need to be done eating but feel like eating more. That is an amazing trick!

I am so focused on pregnancy and labor and delivery. I've been reading lots of stuff about natural labor and there is weirdness out there in pretty good supply. The spectrum is astounding.

On the one extreme are people who schedule c-sections electively. Maybe they want to pick the day, maybe they are afraid of labor, maybe they just honestly don't want their butt to get bigger, but there are those who choose to never even feel a contraction.

Then on the other end you have the placenta-eaters. There exist in the world today, maybe you are one of them, who prefer to give birth alone, keep the baby connected until it stops pulsating, keep the placenta, cord and all attached to the baby until it all falls off, and rip a chunk of the placenta off and chew it up and swallow it.

And there are variations all along the way. So many questions. Induce or not. Natural induction methods or not. Cord clamping now or later. Epidural, other drugs, drug free. Vaccinate? Circumcise? Antibiotic drops in eyes? Give the baby a bath? Giving birth under water? At home? In birth center? In hospital? My head begins to roll. Unbelievable. Not only the number of things to disagree about, but the vehemence with which people disagree.

Here is what I am firm on.

I am giving birth in a hospital with an ob. Yes it is just in case, but in that case, that is where I want to be. I believe with my ob's support I can have the kind of birth I want to have in the hospital. I think with my blood pressure a home birth is not really an option, and frankly, I need the couple days off, alone with my baby, before I come home and get eaten alive by the other offspring.

I would like my delivery room to be dark, quiet, and void of medical personal until I am ready to deliver. This might mean they have to stand in the hallway. I'm not worried about it. I will push when I am ready, my husband's job is to tell them or catch the baby himself. I don't really care if my own personal ob makes it to the room in time. I hope he does, but if not, I've had a baby on the bed before, I think it will be ok. I don't want a bunch of medical staff standing around with big eyes wondering when it's going to happen. I need a little privacy in transition to work through it, they can come in when I'm pushy.

I think there are good reasons for cord clamping, baby bathing, and the antibiotic drops just aren't that big a deal to me - none of those things is worth a fight to me. The idea of having a baby born underwater gives me the willies, and I don't care to catch my child myself or who the first person to hold them is. They're going home with me, rooming with me, I don't think they'll remember.

I will circumcise my boys because God had the Jews do it, that's all the reason I need. I vaccinate my kids for most things because I think vaccinations are a good thing, most of the time. I don't vaccinate for chicken pox (not for children anyway, if I have a kid reach physical adulthood w/o getting it, I'll have them vaccinated) or stds ("cervical cancer"). If I have a child who walks down the path of being promiscious, then we will have a very sad visit to the doctor office and get that shot, and the pain of the shot will be the least of our tears. But I'm not going to do it just in case.

Giving birth at home sounds grand. Actually, laboring at my favorite campground in Michigan and giving birth on the beach sounds grand, if I could somehow work out the bug thing, and the sand thing, and somehow ensure the ideal temperature. But I can't work those things out, and I can't guarantee that my babies will not need a little something when they're born, and so I will do it the way I've been doing it.

But the epidural. That is one I will fight on. I want to enjoy every contraction of bringing my baby into the world. I want to partner with my Creator and my husband in this process, and I believe that pain in labor means I need to do something different to help the baby come down. If it hurts, I need to change positions. My experience with epidurals bears this out. I just have to keep moving, adjusting, relaxing, trusting, focusing on my God, my husband, and the baby I'm bringing forth. The pain is not my focus. The baby, the journey, the Mighty One, the wonderful man with me, these are the things my heart needs to focus on.

And I would never again choose to be induced for anything other than a medical emergency. I was the worst about it in my early babies, being impatient, self inducing, whatever. Don't do it girls. It is a bad idea. Your body knows. Trust it, trust God. Be patient. Wait until you are ready. So.Much.Better.To.Have.A.Baby.When.Ready.

Blessings.