Counter-cultural

I've been wrestling lately.

I'll be honest. If I had really thought about it, I think I would have said that our biggest battles are behind us. Our counter-cultural battles, I mean. The More Kids Than Normal People Have battle, which leads to the Big Van battle. The Home School battle. The Limited Media and Carefully Chosen Friendships battles. The Modest Hand-me-down Clothing battles. The Family Culture rather than Peer Dependent Culture and Courtship rather than Dating battles. The Adopting When You Have So Many Kids battle and the Pregnant Again After A Down Syndrome "Scare" battle.

I thought those were the big ones. But I am beginning to think the biggest battle may be ahead of us. The What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up battle, closely linked to the College Question.

My husband, who really is on the same page as me, had a momentary lapse into the way pretty much everyone thinks the other day. He was having a conversation (one I try to avoid) with the kids about "goals", a.k.a. What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up. The reason I try to avoid it is because I don't think you know what you want to be when you are young, and I don't want to put pressure on them to try to decide too soon. But it also is a wrestling question, because it brings my counter-cultural stance into sharp focus.

Daughter number 3, the one with all the dimples, replied that she would like to work for the Animal Rescue People (we recently had a visit from them when a 3-legged neighborhood kitten was stuck down in an unfinished home/empty basement next door). My husband said the words he has been conditioned by our culture to say, "Well you won't make much money doing that."

I responded like a razor (lovely), "Really? Is that really your response? She doesn't have to provide for a family. She doesn't have to be the breadwinner for her husband and children. Does she really need to choose a career what makes a lot of money?"

The silence roared.

Later he assured me that he wasn't really thinking when he said that and it didn't indicate his true beliefs (that kind of conversation has the potential to make a wife like me feel like, what the heck am I doing this for if we don't see eye to eye about something this important).

***Pardon me if I've talked about this too much already. I don't remember.***

I believe the Biblical view of this is the following:

Daughters are welcome and expected to stay in the home until they are married or if they are a temptation to the dad.

If they were to become widowed or single after being married, they are to be welcomed back into the home.

The Biblical and ideal model for a home is for the wife to be the keeper of it, and for the family to be open to the Lord giving them children, and if He does, for the wife to be at home with them.

So I am encouraging my sons to pursue a future that will allow them to support a wife, to say yes to God for children, and to have their wives to stay home with the children God gives them.

If my daughters feel strongly about pursuing a career, especially one that genuinely requires a college degree, we will support them, and encourage them to do so debt free, paying as they go, taking as long as is necessary, but I will not encourage them to do such in a way that causes them to end up with any of the following guilt trips:

I have to work to pay for my college debt.
I have to work because I spent so long going to college/worked so hard getting my degree/getting where I am.
I have to work because I am the one who makes more money/has insurance.

If my daughter chooses to, for example, become a surgeon, I will encourage her to do so in such a way that does not produce a debt so large that she HAS to work for 5 years before she can have kids/get married.

I know they might do something else. I'm not controlling them. I'm training them. What they do in the long run is between them and God. I get that. But that is what I believe is the Biblical model.

Hence the battle. My eldest daughter, in particular (because she is first born, she is the first one in the decision making que), is "college material". She could do whatever. If she wants to go to college, fine. We will support her with whatever she pursues. And we are preparing each of them, thus far, for college. We are trying to equip them, with their home school education, to be ready for pretty much anything. If the last year I teach her is the last "learning" she does, then it will have been a good education. If she launches into further education, she will be ready for it.

What I won't do is lay a burden on her that if she doesn't go to college she will be wasting her smart brain. Because smart brains can be used for lots of things, and not all of them make lots of money or require college degrees. All she has to do is make enough money to pay for personal spending. Am I being naive? Maybe.

But here is my counter-cultural soap box. IT IS BIBLICALLY APPROPRIATE FOR PARENTS TO SUPPORT THEIR GROWN UNMARRIED DAUGHTERS. We will raise them and prepare them for marriage, and until the Lord brings them into whatever He has for them, they are under our provision.