Survival mode

It's what we do when we are in a crisis.  It's what we do when we are overwhelmed and can't do everything that really needs done so we just do what we have to do.  It's the way I've lived most of my parenting life. 

My first born was 9 months old when I found out I was pregnant with my second.  That was the beginning.  Closely spaced siblings are challenging.  Being pregnant with a baby when you have a baby is hard.  So it began.

When child number 2 was roughly 8 months old, we found out number 3 was on the way.  As I've said before, I was pretty sure life was over at that point and that I would never leave the house again.  But he came, and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be.  Partly because survival mode had become a way of life by then.

15 months and 3 weeks later child number 4 arrived.  15 months and 3 weeks after that, number 5.  16 months and 3 weeks later, number 6.  You get the picture.  A friend told me once that it took his wife about a year to really get back to herself after having a baby.  Only 2 of my children have had a first birthday before a new sibling was on the way.  I haven't been normal in 17 years. 

So there are ways of doing things that are not good ways and certainly not ideal ways but that we have come to see as normal over the years, to the point that now, when I see someone doing it "right", I'm surprised by it, and have to think for a minute to realize, no, that's just good parenting.

For example, I went with some girl friends to a Chinese buffet yesterday with a few of our children.  Our older kids were all at camp together, so I had 4 small people with me, while one friend was kidless, and two friends had a single child with them.  They both gave their children a normal balanced meal, complete with fruits and vegetables.  I was struck by this.  I fed my children food I knew they would eat, get full, and be content.  Their plates were full of chicken nuggets, fries, and pizza.  My goal was full and quiet.  Healthy and well balanced never entered my mind! 

Other mothers play with, engage, read to their preschoolers regularly.  I do those things from time to time, but not because I really intend to.  It's more of a reaction, because they ask, or because they need my involvement.  Having been pregnant or postpartem for all of their lives, I have it in my head as acceptable to just lay around and do as little as possible.

Our education is basic.  Although I have a degree in music education, my children know very little about music and have not been properly trained to read it or play it, for the most part.  I mean to.  But I don't.  It takes all I have in me to get through the day, to get everyone through school, some basic chores, fed, and in bed at the end of the day.  Everything else is fluff, extra, not necessary.

Now you might say, well, you use cloth diapers, don't you?  That is not a survival mode necessity.  Yes, and no.  I use them when I can and take a break when I get overwhelmed.  And they are somewhat of a financial necessity.  It costs a lot of money to keep 2-3 butts in disposables.  I've had at least one in diapers for 16+ years, usually 2, and frequently 3. 

But it is also true that even in survival mode, there are choices and options and priorities.  For example, I blog because it helps my sanity, maintains the slender thread of mental consciousness that I remember having.  I don't have to.  But I do.  And there are other things I do well because they are that important.  And there are things I don't do well, using my crazy life as an excuse, but if I really wanted to do well, I guess I'd find a way.

In my defense, I think I do a lot of things that are important, but invisible.  Conversations had with children, hugs and kisses, character training.  But I could do so much better in all those types of things also.

It is always a little overwhelming when I'm a few weeks from having a new human, to do a little assessing and see the weak points and know that, to whatever degree I think I stink right now, it's only going to get worse.  At least for a while. 

But I also look at my older kids and think that God is, through me and/or in spite of me, doing some pretty great things in them.  Under close speculation, I'm not very impressive, and maybe they're not either, but impressive is not our goal.

I suppose that's what it comes down to.  What is our goal?  Our goal is that they know Jesus.  Our parenting looks like this, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you (hallelujah)."  That seems to be true.  We're still at the very beginning of our parenting experience.  We are a long way from finishing anything, from having any good advice to give.  If we are purposing to focus on one thing, we're not doing a great job at that one thing either.  Do they see us reading our Bibles?  Sometimes.  Do they see consistency?  Not so much.  But, forgetting what is behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, we press on.  And we hope that God, Who is faithful, will fill in the many, many gaps of weakness laden parenting, into a firm foundation of children who have seen the faithfulness of, if not their parents, at least their parents' God. 

That's all we got, folks.