On the edge

Ways that I am on the edge:

On the edge of having another baby. I am due in less than a week. That feels like any minute or an eternity. I do not handle suspense well. That is why I don't like tv or movies very much. I don't even want to be TOLD about movies. But this drama is real.

A brief review to help explain my drama:
S.K.#1 induced at 40 weeks + 4 days, due to ignorance and induction happy doc
S.K.#2 supplemented with pitocin at 40+7
S.K.#3 induction at 38+5 because #2 was big
S.K.#4 induced at 39+2 because #3 came fast
S.K.#5 induced at 40 because 1-4 were little, and I was cocky
But...when I went in my blood pressure was high. They made me stay in bed, it took forever and didn't go well.
S.K.#6 resolved to not have pitocin, went into labor at 40+7, high blood pressure during labor
S.K.#7 intending to never use pitocin again, was devastated to be induced at 41 weeks for high blood pressure
S.K.#8 2 weeks bed rest, induced at 37+3 due to high blood pressure and elevated liver enzymes
S.K.#9 after severely altering my diet, kept blood pressure to a marginally acceptable level (we thought), went into labor at 39+4 with abrupting placenta (nasty labor, scary heart tones)
S.K.#10 induced at 37 weeks to preemptively ward off abrupting placenta, happened anyway
S.K.#11 (adopted - birth mom had horrible pre-eclampsia, made me realize I do not have pre-e, I just have pregnancy induced hypertension)
S.K.#12 induced at 40 weeks, had been on blood pressure medicine for a few weeks, but liver enzymes were going up
S.K.#13 took red raspberry leaf tea for most of pregnancy and evening primrose oil from 37 wks, went into labor at 39+4 (blood pressure kept under control with medicine, still very high during labor)

S.K.#14 I've been taking blood pressure medicine for the last few weeks, half what I took with the last two because blood pressure has not been as high. It has been higher last few days, so doc increased dose to 100mg 3x/day (before did 2x), seems to be keeping it under control, but watching closely, wanting to avoid liver and placenta complications, but also hoping to go into labor naturally and avoid pitocin.

So I don't know if that makes a lot of sense, but I feel like I'm standing at the edge of several unknowns. I think normally people just wonder when they will go into labor, maybe what kind of labor it will be, how long, day or night, that sort of thing. I am wondering when to agree to an induction, if my blood pressure is high, if my liver is okay, if I might last long enough to begin labor on my own, if my body will be more receptive to an induction courtesy of the evening primrose oil and red raspberry leaf tea, those kinds of things. I am pretty sure I won't go all the way to that 41 week mark that I used to think was my normal. I don't know if going into labor early last time was because of the tea and epo, or just a fluke. I hope it will happen again, but I really don't know.

It seems like, after 13 babies, I should have some idea of what to expect. I have lots of thoughts, but really don't know what will happen.

*******
We in the Midwest are on the edge of a storm they are calling Snowmageddon. I might have to bring a baby home from the hospital in the coldest temperatures anyone remembers.

*******
My oldest children are at the edge of growing up. That is scary in an entirely different way. What will they do after high school? They don't know. I don't know. We've had one take the A.C.T. and do pretty well. But I am really and completely bewildered about what happens next for them. I've never done this before. I've not found other people that we can easily pattern ourselves after. I feel like I'm blazing a whole new trail - our way is not written yet.

*******
I am at the edge of my capacity to be a mom for my people. The toddlers and teens pull everything out of me every day. My 12-13-14 yr olds have so much emotion and just basic growing up struggles on a daily basis, needing mama-therapy multiple times a day. I am glad we are doing this at home, together, with the time and situation that allow us to really work through, talk through, pray through each young person's issues. I think what they are dealing with is pretty normal stuff. It is harder because they are all going through it together. And because we are really trying process it thoroughly with kindness and forgiveness and not leave deep pock marks in their spirits to have to have inner healing from in 15-20 years. But it is time consuming and energy consuming. Sometimes I feel like I've been through a huge therapy session before I get out of bed in the morning.

Then there are the toddlers. Just normal stuff. The youngest, almost 17 months old, has figured out how to get on (some) chairs and therefore tables (if said chair is near enough - he has NOT figured how to move the chair to the table :). Normal baby stuff. The "twins" have been mostly potty trained, which might be worse than not-at-all potty trained. The boy one gets up every night to pee, sometimes drenched, sometimes dry (he's ironically more often dry on nights he has a pull-up on, but pees when he has clothes on - no, he really keeps the pull-up dry), but always insistent on snuggling in our small bed with us for a while. I think nearly all of my recent potty trainers go through this phase. It doesn't last.

Daytime, the boy pees in his pants, just a little, and discards them, so he is mostly naked most of the time. The girl does better but is less independent, needs an armed escort to go pee. All normal, but it adds up.

They also have all the character development going on typical of a 2 and 3 yr old, the fits, the nearly but not quite verbal communication, and it all needs MOM to deal with it. Mom going out on a date or to a doctor appointment is very emotionally expensive for the family because the babysitting aged people simply cannot give mama therapy to young teens, nor can they adequately train the toddlers.

The papa of our clan has a new role, new department, new boss, new coworkers at work. He is even wearing different shirts on casual days. Not kidding. All this for a man who does.not.handle.change.well. So he has been sort of awol in this season of much neediness for mama.

*******
I am on the edge of failure with my fast. I have been on again/off again since we went on our cruise. This has sometimes meant my walk with the Lord has been distant because of feeling guilty. I do not feel that way now. He loves me. He is pleased with my offering, but what He wants is me. But I also know there is a place I want to be walking that I am not. My fast is not forever. I still want to do it. I still want to say to the Lord on a daily basis, "I belong to You. I want You more than this. I choose eternal heavenly pleasure over temporal fleshly reward. I count all things rubbish in view of knowing You."

*******
I suppose I am on the edge of good stuff. I am perhaps on the edge of succeeding or growing or leaning. I am certainly on the edge of needing the Lord like never before. I have that feeling I always have of OH-MY-GOSH-I'M-ABOUT-TO-HAVE-ANOTHER-BABY-BUT-I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-I'M-DOING-WITH-THE-13-I-ALREADY-HAVE.

I know I can do all things through Christ Who strengthens me. But I cannot, at this moment, see past the end of today. [Disclaimer: I hereby acknowledge that many of you have gone through things that are infinitely harder, truly difficult and painful - I'm just whining, none of this is actually even bad. I get that, and I'm sorry. Just processing.]

Anyway, there it is. I blogged. No promises that it will happen again anytime soon.