how do you do it? part 2

sometimes the question "how do you do it?" begs a longer answer.

the first thing i say is, "not very well". i am not aiming for the same goals many parents hold in high esteem. and i am not attaining some of the goals i hold in high esteem. i say that because, once you find out how i do it, or why i do it, it may serve to convince you to NOT do it the way i do it.

and so, if only to help solidify your confidence in doing it the way you do it and steer very clear of the way i do it, i've decided to attempt a series of blogs with this title.

where to start.

excursions.

our children are involved in very few activities outside the house, only the ones that can be attended by more than one child, and only if we can find something productive to do while they do it, and only if it is really, really worth the time and effort. when getting out of the house to go anywhere we pack more crap than most people take for a weekend away. i usually keep a package of diapers and another of wipes in the van, along with a pair of shorts that will fit nearly anyone.

eating on the cheap at the golden arches costs us around 25 dollars (we drink water, order sandwiches off the dollar menu, and share a few large fries; we keep a package of brown lunch bags in the van so it's easier to distribute everyone's "happy meals"), so we pack a meal as often as we can (loaf of bread, peanut butter and honey or pack of lunch meat, pack of cheese, something munchy like carrots or cheezits, something sweet like apples or granola bars or cookies, and water). first road food for babies who are eating real food: mashed potatoes from kfc, refried beans from taco bell, or an apple i quickly ate the peal off of.

i used to have (and may still in the abyss we call our basement) a double stroller that both seats laid down, creating a 4 foot long flat space. i took it everywhere. pretty sure we killed it. we would walk all around the zoo (or wherever) and see and do and play and eat and when everyone was absolutely exhausted beyond any readily available solution, i'd put one in the back packer, one on my front in a snugly, pile 3 or 4 in the stroller and make a beeline for the van, going as fast as my little overweight (and more often than not pregnant) body could move.

i think communicating expectations with small people helps a lot. even babies, if you count aloud while doing things that are hard to wait for (nail trimming, hair cutting, food prep, almost done car rides), handle the wait better. i just count to 10 over and over, acting like 10 is a party every time, and every other number is an exciting adventure.

i give all my folks a 10 minute warning (which means we'll leave sometime in the relatively near future), a 5 minute warning (which means we really are going to leave) and a 1 minute warning (which means, maybe we'd better find our shoes) before telling them to head to the van.

of course, now i have a police whistle. it is the e.f. hutton whistle. okay, for you young punks, a long time ago when there were still dinosaurs and black and white tvs, there was a commercial for an investment firm called e.f. hutton. in the commercial, there would be a room full of people talking, and one person would mention his broker, e.f. hutton and everyone would stop talking and eavesdrop. the line was, "when e.f. hutton talks, people listen."

well, when i blow the whistle, people listen, because it is so very loud, it hurts their ears. i taught my children to come when i blow it by giving them chocolate chips when they do. sometimes they would come, get the chocolate, and walk away, before i said what i had to say. so now i blow the whistle and stand there waving the bag in front of their eyes, till i'm done with them, then they get a couple chips.

we've gotten a lot of von trap family jokes since acquiring the whistle, and we deserve it. 1 long blast means listen up, 2 means send someone, 3 means drop what you're doing and get here quick. three quick blasts and my children take their own attendance, saying their names in descending age order.

i read or heard somewhere (or maybe i made it up) that going on the road is like the test, and being at home with your children training them is like studying. if you haven't done your homework, you won't do very well on the test. and in order to do homework, you have to be home. when my children start to really behave poorly, it makes me think, we need some home training. and the home training isn't for the sake of the people we'll meet up with when we're out. it's for my children. to become who it's my job to train them to become, for Jesus' sake and theirs.

so that's how we do excursions.