limbo

it's that time of the month again. i'm waiting. waiting to find out if i'm pregnant again. i think i have a unique position in this - i'm okay either way. i will always be thrilled to be pregnant. and if i am not, and if God doesn't bless me in that way again, i am also pleased to be a vessel for whatever He chooses to do with me. i am at peace.

this month, however, is a little different. i have a little more apprehension this month, because today we began our home study. and although i know the same God who gives good gifts in the uterus also gives good gifts via adoption, and i trust Him, there is still that little nervousness that says, God, could You please wait until this adoption thing is taken care of before You give me another little bun in the oven.

now, i know some people think this line of thinking officially puts me over the edge of the abyss of insanity. first of all, why does a family who has 10 children already and is obviously quite fertile want to pay money to adopt when they already have more than they can handle? and then, not only to pursue adoption, to pay lots of money for the privilege of raising someone else's child, but to do it without practicing birth control!!! that's nuts!

is it? my sister had, without taking any fertility drugs, 3 children within the span of 13 months. a lady i met at soccer had 5 children within 52 months, naturally. people have multiples all the time. why would it be different if we had a biological and an adopted baby the same year?

it seems excessive, doesn't it. gluttonous, in a way. oh, it's like the octo-mom - i'm a baby-holic.

then again, maybe, having had 10, i've figured something out that some people don't know - children are a blessing from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward. do people who win the lottery continue to play the lotto?

but i will say again: if i am done having children, if i am never pregnant again, if God closes the door on adoption, i am just as pleased and contented. it is enough for me to say 'yes' to Him. and whatever He does with my yes is my delight and my pleasure. if He gives me 10 more children, i am blessed. if He gives me 0, i am blessed. so i don't think that makes me a baby-holic. maybe i'm a God-holic. i'm okay with that.

it's the waiting that's hard. the not knowing. am i? am i not?

i am not. sigh. contented.