Things I say a lot

In no particular order:

Don't wipe your booger on your shirt.
Change your shirt.
How long have you been wearing that?
No you may NOT change your shirt.
Is the family closet unlocked?
Where is your shirt?
Where are your pants?
Where is your diaper?
Where is the baby's diaper?
I'll give 25 chocolate chips to the one who finds me the diaper she took off!
Did someone fart or do I need to change a diaper?
Did you make a smell?
Can someone bring me the baby wipes?
We've got a situation here.
Zip up your pants.
Did you wash?
Did you flush?
Did you wipe?
Can someone bring me the fingernail clippers?
Bring me your fingernails.
Go wash your hands with soap.
When is the last time you took a shower?
What are you supposed to be doing?
Are you finished with school and chores?
Do the next thing and then come and tell me.
No we just ate.
Do you know how to peel it?
You may have an apple, in the kitchen, show me when you're finished.
You're a great apple eater!
Clean up your mess.
Has anyone seen my keys?
We can't go without my keys.
Has anyone seen my phone?
Everybody quiet, I'm calling my phone.
Can you hold this kid while I go pee?
TV is for people who are too boring to do anything else.
No we are not playing on the computer or wii or iPad or my phone.
My phone is not a toy.
Did you set a timer?
Your timer's going off.
You are a great boy.
You are a wonderful daughter.
Do you know what I love? You.
What is that sound you're making?
KINDNESS!!
You have two parents in this room (house) go talk to the other one.
This is a phone.
I am not smart enough to talk to more than three people at one time.
Where's your buddy?
Close your mouth and don't say any more words unless they are kind.
Your job is to love her.
You are her big brother. She will learn how important she is from the way you treat her.
You are his biggest fan.
Being mean is my job.
Your happiness is not my responsibility. My job is to train you, love you, keep you safe and teach you about God. Your happiness is between you and Him.
Nobody likes that sound you're making.
Nothing that concerns you spacemen, just us toys.
I've got one job on this ship. It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it.
Don't talk to me while I have my head in the oven (or while I'm cleaning up broken glass).
How many humans do we have here?
Roll call!
Where is everybody?
D and E are missing, does that bother anybody?
Somebody go see what horrible thing they're up to.
Put that down.
Give that to mommy.
Give that to mommy NOW.
Hey, Big Kid, take tha machete (or chainsaw or vat of olive oil or lipstick or syrup or sharpie or book or paper or bag of chocolate chips or peanut butter sandwich) away from her!