Near 40

I am hours away from that very special birthday. I am cresting the hill. I am ramping up for my midlife crisis. Forty.

I remember when my dad turned 40. We got him a cake that said, "40 isn't old . . . If you're a tree.". Sooooo funny.

Now I'm there. And some of what they say may be true. Parts of me are stiffening up. Need oil. Parts of me are stretched beyond recognition, never to be firm again. My hair could be colored, but I'm lucky to shower. Far be it from me to add something to my to do list for vanity's sake alone.

At any rate, 40 is a milestone. How far I've come, how far to go, what can I do better, what have I learned?

Here's one thing:

When it comes to a lot of things, I'm not right. And I'm not wrong. I'm me. And that's ok. For example, housekeeping. My way is on the messy side. Not because I have kids in bulk quantity. Just because I'm like that. I am a flexible chic. Many of my closest friends are what I call neat freaks, but really, they're no more freaky than I am. Truth be told, there are bonuses and drawbacks for each bent. And I'm sure there are a few people out there who are perfectly balanced in this way, but they probably need improvement in other areas.

I remember in grade school, early grades, we didn't receive letter grades. Instead there were these descriptive classifications: Excellant, Satisfactory, Needs improvement. At my house "Needs improvement" was equivalent to "sucks really bad" or "don't count on any privileges this month". Somehow it was unacceptable to "need improvement".

But now, rounding the bend of the big four-oh, I'm thinking my grade thus far is Needs Improvement, and I'm okay with that. Not only is it honest, it is also hopeful. I'm not 20 anymore, but I can still grow and change.

So I need improvement. So does everyone else. Let me give another example: as a worship leader, my focus is on the heart more than skill. Not that I don't care about skill. But the act of worship is more important than the sound made during worship. That sounds noble, right? I would never pick a song solely based on the music of it. But my friend who is focused on musicality, excellence, and variety is also right.

It reminds me of a scene in The Fiddler on the Roof when Tevye is witnessing an argument between two men. The first one speaks, Tevye says, "He's right." The second one speaks, Tevye says, "He's right." Another says, "He's right, he's right, they can't both be right." Tevye responds, "You know, you are also right."

Not about everything. Not about some things. Not about Jesus. We can't all be right about Jesus. He can't be a great prophet or teacher or philosopher if He said things like, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father but through Me," or, "Abide in Me. Apart from Me you can do nothing." Prophets and teachers and philosophers who are any good are not that egocentric. Either He was (is) God, or the sum of what He said was pretty wack.

I'm not talking about what's come to be called tolerance, here. That idea that there are no absolute rights and wrongs. I'm just saying my neatnik friends could stand to loosen up a bit, and I could stand to clean better and with more frequency. The fashionistas and the frumps could both learn a bit from each other. The excellent musicians and the heartfelt purists could each improve.

I hope to be more firm and consistent with my children, to have more fun and yell and complain less. I hope to honor and bless my husband more and be more of a joy to him, not another burden to shoulder. I still hope to be a more fit companion for the husband of my youth. I desire to become more a woman of prayer, to read my Bible more than I am on Facebook, and to spend more time in the relatively secret place, worshipping, communing, and writing.

I would love to write a book. I'd like to re-register with C.C.L.I., in hopes of maybe a buck or two finding it's way home for my songs.

But while I have these and other hopes for improvement, I am largely content to be turning forty. I don't know if there will be more children. Either way is fine with me. I don't know a lot of things. Reminds me of a song: But I know whom I am believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day.