Mawwiage

Mawwiage is what bwings us togevah today. Vat bwessed awwangement, vat dweam wivin a dweam.

Here is what I have learned about marriage, especially in the context of having a whole lot of kids.

I am my husband's helpmeet, not the other way around. God did not put him here or put us together so that he can give me a break when he comes home or so he can serve my needs and take care of me. I know that's not a very liberated point of view, but I think it is biblical. At the same time, the same Bible says he is to lay his life down for me the way Christ laid His life down for the church. But it is not my responsibility to get him to lay it down. Which brings me to the next thing.

My husband answers to God, not to me. I love the verse in Proverbs that says the heart of the king is in the hand of the Lord and He turns it whichever way He wants it to go. The reality is, I am not the best judge of which way his heart should go. I am not his judge.

When we have an issue, which is often enough, here is how I handle it. I shut my mouth until I'm done being hot about it. It won't do any good to fire off at him in the midst of my anger anyway, he doesn't respond well to my emotional outbursts. So then, sometimes not till after he falls asleep, I pray about it. But my prayer is not, "Please God change that man."

My prayer is more like this: God, I give him to you. Do whatever You want with him. Make him the way you want him to be. Draw him near. Show him Your love for him. Help him know You as his Friend. Teach him everything he needs to know about being the kind of husband You want him to be. He belongs to You. I give you all his time, all his energy, all his resources. I trust You with our marriage, with our children, with my heart.

And no matter how worked up I am, during the course of praying for my husband with words of honor, respect, and love, God always heals my heart and brings me to a point of trusting in Him to take care of me, my husband, and my marriage.

Another thing I have learned is not to diss my man in public. (Diss is short for disrespect.) I heard someone say a fight is over when you can both laugh about it, so we try not to talk about a fight until we can both laugh about it. But I do not (I used to) bring out the dirty laundry in front of people while we are still working through it in an attempt to get other people to agree with me and help my husband see the error of his ways.

A wise woman builds her house, but a contentious one tears it down with her own hands. (Proverbs something) I learned this from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, believe it or not. One of the habits is about production/production capacity. Basically, if you want your marriage/factory/goose that lays golden eggs to be productive, you have to take care of it and invest in it and not abuse it in your attempt to increase productivity. If I say unkind words to or about my husband in an attempt to get him to be the husband I want him to be or have the marriage I want to have, I have actually depleted the strength of the relationship instead of increased it. I have weakened my house with my own hands.

Here's what I haven't learned yet, or at least put into practice: I haven't learned how to keep my house in such a way that he delights in coming home. I haven't learned how to receive any negative feedback from him without either becoming depressed or angry or immediately breaking down in tears. During those times, I struggle with honoring him in front of our children, and sometimes I turn some of my frustration toward them and become a less pleasant mother.

I'm a more consistent cook than I used to be, but so often I operate in either survival or comfort food mode, so I struggle to feed my family in as healthy a way as my husband desires. He is a much healthier eater than I am, and is in much better physical shape than me. You can blame hormones/pregnancy/nursing if you like, but the reality is, he is much more disciplined than I am, and it shows.

By the way, lest anyone be intimidated by what I have learned, please know that I learned it because I used to be LOUSY at it. I disrespected him in front of people, I literally kicked him out of bed, with my foot, in an attempt to "not let the sun set on our anger". I would badger and bully and yell in an attempt to get him to respond, all in the name of "working it out", not understanding that the reason he didn't say anything was because what he had to say would hurt me, and he didn't want to hurt me. Rather than hurt me, he kept his silence until he could speak in love. I just blasted him.

The thing is, since learning to trust God with our marriage, to save working through issues until an appropriate time when I had control of my tongue, to pray when I'm frustrated and angry and to honor my husband publicly and privately - I'm a way happier chick. I would have thought I would just be frustrated. But God really is faithful. He really does hold my husband's heart in His hands. Even for someone whose husband is unsaved, God is still God over his heart.

I figured, if God is enough for the single woman, for the widow, for the orphan - He is enough for me. I put all my eggs in one basket. He is all my joy, all my strength, all my hope. Sometimes He meets my needs through my husband, and I'm thankful. But He also fills my heart lots of ways. The important thing is that my gaze is fixed on Him, not my husband, not my children, not my sisters or parents or friends or projects, just Him.

Nuf said.

So tweasuwe your wuv . . .