stream of consciousness

No particular subject here. There are things about adoption I was prepared for, I think. I was ready to be uncomfortably examined in the home study. We were. I figured to pay through the nose. We have. I assumed there would be a lot of waiting and praying and a great deal of ups and downs. All true.

I didn't expect other things. I didn't know I would love the baby's mama the way I do. I didn't realize that our adopting would draw such a wide range of emotions from people, loved ones and complete strangers, both positive and negative, as it has. And I didn't know how I would feel right now, in the hours after the papers were signed that say that the child I prayed for has been released by her mother, because she thinks this is the best thing to do for her child, that it would hurt. I hurt for my baby girl's mama, for her aunties and cousins and friends.

It doesn't feel like a good thing. It feels selfish and wicked, that these people are hurting and that, in a way, I'm part of that pain. True that she made her choice before we were in the picture. I (and the attorney and adoption agency and the social workers) told her several times that she didn't have to do it, that she could change her mind. Her friends and family (and a couple nurses, I think) encouraged her to consider other options. It was her choice.

That doesn't help her heart right now. Or theirs. Or mine. I feel like I took something precious from someone I love and do not want to hurt. When she was hurting in labor, I wished I could have taken it from her. Now, again, I wish I could hurt for her.

Is this how Jesus feels? For us all?


How marvelous, how wonderful
And my song shall ever be
How marvelous, how wonderful
Is my Savior's love for me