Whine and cheeze

I should have written this before I started feeling better. I wanted to talk about post partum wickedness when you are old and fat. I have tried to know if it takes longer to recover from childbirth now that I am older, or have had more children, and I'm not sure.

It is different. With a first or earlier babies, there is more tearing and tenderness where the baby comes out. The hard is in the initiation. First time nursing, first time giving birth, it's hard because you haven't done it before.

But with later deliveries, there are other challenges. There are afterbirth contractions, there is a stretched out uterus to get back to normal. There is an older body. Taking enough time to nurse well, taking care of myself, and especially, taking care of the other children. This was perhaps the biggest challenge for me this time.

When there is another baby who doesn't walk but who is way over the limit of what a new mom is supposed to carry, that is difficult. She doesn't need her mama less, she needs me just as much. And with the added challenge of a very insistant, still-nursing toddler, when I came home, I felt like I had given birth to three infants. And having this new boy who seemed to be peeing less, pooping less, I just was really questioning my adequacy for the job at hand. (especially when I couldn't lift anyone or go on the stairs without gushing - tip for postpartum stairs: go very very slow, slow for a snail, tedious for a turtle slow, take a step, rest for a while, fools the body, makes for quicker recovery)

Can I do this? Can I nurse 2? Can I give 3 littles the attention each needs? (I can hear the I-told-you-so's piling up - I told you, if you think I'm an idiot and bad mother, don't read my blog!) Can I discipline the preschoolers, teach the youngin's the 3 r's, give the hormonal ones therapy and help the high schooler with geometry proofs and chemistry? Will I ever go on a date again? Leave the house alone? Go to the store? Get my bangs cut?

I haven't gained a child, I've lost an arm. And my confidence. And my pluck.

But I haven't. Yesterday I started to feel human again. Today I am the little train that could. I only have one child more than I did 2 weeks ago. It's like an 8% increase. It will be okay. I'm not any more super than I was with 2 or 7 or 10 or 11 kids, but I'm not any less.

I still have access to the same resources, I still have the same counter-cultural values and beliefs. I can still do all things through Christ who strengthens me. So here's my new song (you can't hear the tune, of course). It does not pretend to be very original, but it is my theme song, anyway.


Jesus Christ, You are my strength
As I rise up today, You alone are all I need
The more that I abide in You,
The more that You are all I have,
The more that You are all I need

Teach me in the wilderness
To lean on You there
I don't care
I know You are all I need

Like manna in the wilderness
Take me away, till I say
Lord that You are all I need

You are my strength
You're my beloved
I can do all things
When I am in You

You are my bread
Your love sustains me
You satisfy me
When You are all I have
Because You are all I need

Strength in the wilderness, abiding in You . . .