4.5 lbs

In 6 days I have lost 4.5 lbs. I have eaten less. Except on Thursday. I binged on Thursday. It was a birthday, the anniversary of becoming the mother of 10. And it didn't feel good, and eating better on Friday did feel good. Weird.

And today, sitting in church, even though I still weigh 243 lbs, that's Two Hundred, Forty-Three Pounds, I felt thin. Isn't that ridiculous? That stupid little four and one half pounds didn't make me look different, didn't make my clothes fit different, didn't make going up the stairs feel any better, but it made something inside me feel a little less hideous, a little less out of control, a little less obese.

I would like to start walking or lifting or stair climbing or something, but I haven't yet. I'm doing sparkpeople.com again, counting calories and nutrition, putting in my water and fruit&veggie intake.

My eldest daughter is my inspiration. I want to be someone she can respect, not be embarrassed of. I want to be someone I can respect too.

I've often heard people say that something doesn't taste as good as skinny feels. And my response has been, I haven't got a clue how skinny feels. But today, near the height of ridiculousness, I feel a little skinnier.

There are, in my kitchen, about 25 chocolate, fudge filled mini cupcakes. 93 calories each. I've had two. There were enough for all of us to have four apiece. I am not going to eat any more. Normally I would give everyone else 3 and eat a dozen myself. Not kidding. They're little. One here, one there.

I haven't really had much coffee this week. It just hasn't tasted that good. And I have avoided sugar, for the most part. I feel less inclined to binge without it. I've had a little, but it feels good to exercise my self-control muscle.

I know it will continue to be hard, and sometimes harder, and maybe sometimes impossible. But I want to do this and I need to do this and I have to do this.