The New Face of Procrastination

When I was in Mrs. Needham's 1st grade class, procrastination meant having her tip my desk over in front of the class to reveal a whole semester's seat work, crumpled and incomplete, many assignments not even started, staying inside and missing recess, weeping for humiliation with my head on my desk.

In Mrs. Groom's second grade (yes, second grade) class, procrastination meant peeing my pants three times the same day. It also meant that at home, I could frequently be seen tearing at break neck speed from one end of the house to the other having waited until the last possible second to relieve my poor exploding bladder, knocking furniture, toys, people and potted plants out of my way in my desperation, leaving a path of destruction behind me like an elephant stampede in the jungle.

In high school and college, it meant sleepless nights and papers and projects turned in at or after the deadline, eventually taking an incomplete in couple of classes, only to then procrastinate again till the last possible day of the full year's extension to finish the required coursework.

As an adult it means doing laundry and dishes only when out of socks, underwear, and spoons. It means that tonight I got down to the last 10 diapers and the last 1/4 cup laundry soap before washing the other 80 or so diapers and making another batch of soap.

The mystery remains the same: Why do I do this to myself?

I don't know, but I have to say, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, nor, I suppose, as it ought to. It does bother me when I see my husband ironing and rummaging through a basket of socks at 6:30 a.m. trying to get to work with a crisp shirt and two socks that match. But I have a life that allows for my delinquency. That is both good and bad. It means my stress level is not very high. I have a great deal of built in flexibility and very little external accountability. Most of the time, we get by. And most of the time, no one really cares.

Except my husband/best friend. I add stress to his life, which I want not to do.

It seems that I will only do what I am made to do, what I have to do. I know this about myself. It is my nature to only do what is required of me (again, how humiliating). The diapers and dishes don't bother me, much, except that I am setting a poor example for my children. But the bigger things, the important things, the things I am committed to with all my heart and soul, but not with my life and calendar, how will I get to those things? When will I do the things I long to do? What will it take? (I have often thought that the reason God put stink in the diapers is so we would be compelled to get the waste off their bums and as far away from ourselves as possible.)

My husband is a professional geek (read: computer guy) and lives in a world of artificial deadlines. There is a huge volume of stress created by the setting up of a timeline that is based merely on the fact that someone said it would be done by such and such a date. Did they know what they were talking about? Did they foresee and allow for this or that going wrong?

But they get a lot done that way. It's how business works. The motivation there is the reputation of the department, and ultimately, keeping your job.

I don't have that. I have a husband and children who have needs, but even they are gracious and/or have adapted to my issues. But as one who belongs to Christ, I think the highest motivation to do something is because I am told in the Bible to let my yes be yes and my no be no. Which makes resolutions and goals, promises and vows a very serious thing.

I made a commitment to the Lord years ago to brush and floss the teeth He gave me each night. I keep that pledge unto Him. Even on nights when I've already fallen asleep, and don't want that nasty minty freshness in my mouth, I still almost always do it for one reason. I told Him I would. Sometimes I decide I'm not going to, I'm just going to take the night off, and then I remember, I told Him I would do it. So I almost always do.

There are so many things I would like to change about me, so many ways I'd like to live differently. If I were to make a rash vow right now about all of them, I would sign myself up for failure. Change is hard. What one thing do I want to give Him today? If I could change one thing . . . I can.

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. Even under this category, there are several sub-categories. It's not like you can just tick it off, 'sought Kingdom? check!', from your list. What does that mean? In what way can I seek His Kingdom each day, what can I give Him, what can I make a commitment to?

Measurable goal: I think right now the best thing I can commit to Him to do is to read my Bible every day. My husband does this. My daughter does it. So that's it. Each day, Lord, I will brush and floss the teeth You made for me, and, each day I will read Your Word and commune with You over the breaking of that Bread of Life. I'm not setting up an artificial deadline (though that probably wouldn't hurt), like reading my Bible through in a year. I am simply saying to You that my yes will be yes. Yes, Lord, I will read Your Word. I will abide in it. I will soak it up. So help me, God. Please.