Straddling the universe with hope

(11/15/2010)

It is weird to me that I am writing all these posts in secret, not to publish until everybody knows that needs to know, until we are ready, until we know a little more.

And today I know less than I did yesterday. My ob called this evening. He had finally read the 'report' from the perinatologist. And it was just as confusing as our visit was then. On the one hand, only one tiny marker, big kidneys, big deal. On the other hand, 50/50 odds, talk to your pediatrician, want to see you back because "these babies sometimes experience fetal demise". Until my husband asks the big question - knowing what you know, what odds?
What makes her think so strongly? In the report it just said, "nasal bone not convincingly displayed," or something like that. "I hope I'm wrong," she said.
Obviously, everyone hopes she's wrong. My ob hopes she's wrong. My pastor hopes she's wrong. Friends, relatives, husband, of course we hope she's wrong.
But I don't. I am trying to be okay with whichever baby God has made. But it is hard to adjust to both possibilities. I have experienced the need to be ready for a boy or a girl. I have prayed, "God, I need You to help me be ready if I'm having . . . " whatever I wasn't hoping for. And He has.
But this is different. In order to be ready for a baby with Down syndrome, I have to believe that if that is what God gives us, that is the very best thing that could happen. In order to be in a position where I will be relieved to have a baby with 46 chromosomes I have to focus on, believe that a 47 is less desirable than a 46.
It is hard not to have a preference, hard not to want one thing more than another. And today, my preference is what I think God has been saying. I think God is saying He's making a baby for us with 47 chromosomes. So that's what I want.
When we were answering adoption questions and one of the questions was Down syndrome, we said no. It's not that that's what I've always wanted, not that I've been praying for that, not that I would have gone out of my way to pursue it (although I'm learning that once you are the parent of a child with ds, you might just feel that way). The reason that is what I want is because at this time, that is what I think God wants.
Could I be wrong? Sure, I'm wrong all the time. Overthinking, overreacting, letting my imagination prepare me for the worst case, just in case, being safe rather than sorry - these are all ways I roll. I'm a thinker and a dreamer. So my prayer is that the Lord would prepare my heart for whatever He is doing, boy, girl, 46, 47, whatever.
So, don't worry, Dr. Herrmann, about getting my hopes up. My hopes are high. I'm hoping not for a particular # of chromosomes or a certain gender, but for God's Name to be glorified, for His Kingdom to expand, in my heart, in my house, on my block, in my city, here, wherever He takes us, I hope He is exalted. God is making a baby in my belly. He Who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.