11/24/2010
i know that's the wrong question for most people. but our ultrasound report was either better today than last time, or our perinatologist was just a more positive guy, and i'm trying to figure out how to position my heart.
i think God has uniquely prepared us for a baby with down syndrome, i've worked through it, i'm okay, even excited about having a baby with an extra chromosome.
what i'm not ready for is a change of plans. i'm not bouncing well. if we have a typical baby, here are the (potentially ridiculous or petty) things i'm struggling with:
1. did we really hear God?
2. does this mean God doesn't trust us with a baby with Ds?
3. have i wasted all this time reading about/talking about/preparing for Ds?
4. am i a fool for having talked to my loved ones and taken everyone on this little emotional journey?
so what is being required of me (it feels like) i'm going to wait another 14ish weeks trying to be ready for either a boy with 47 chromosomes, or a girl with 47, or a boy with 46 or a girl with 46, trying hard not to have much of a preference so that when my baby is born, regardless of gender or chromosomes, i am able to fully welcome him or her without any shadow of disappointment. barring an amnio or whatever, i will just not know, and need to let go of my need to know.
but here is the real story. God is making a baby in my tummy. And He is doing it exactly right. if He does not give me a Ds baby, then it is because His plan for us and for this baby was 46 chromosomes. and that is good. whatever He wanted to teach us through this process, we will have learned. we will be better friends to anyone welcoming a baby with Ds into their lives. we will be more understanding of persons facing mental and physical difficulties.
that's all i know, all i can go on. God does not make mistakes. He is doing whatever He is doing perfectly. i can trust Him completely to give me grace each day for whatever that day will bring. including down syndrome. including typical. including not knowing.
1 comment:
The four things you may wrestle with are exactly what I wrestled with when I found myself pregnant with Keturah, versus adopting a baby with Down syndrome from Eastern Europe. God knows what He's doing. Sometimes we're wrong when we think WE know what He's doing. Sometimes, that's tough to reconcile. It's tough when God says "Zig" and we planned to "Zag". I KNOW that you will respond to His plan (whatever that may be) with grace, dignity, and submission.
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