Addictive Substances

I have heard that some people are more inclined to addictions than others. I don't know if this is true or if some people just exercise less self control. I know that there is such a thing called cross-addicting, where a person weans himself from one addiction onto another. For example, someone quits drinking but in the process increases his cigarette use, or in quitting smoking starts eating more.

If there is such a thing as an addictive personality, I have one. At the least, I struggle with self control. So I have gone a year with pretty much no sugar and very little caffeine. But the god of my appetite is alive and well. My faves are buttered sprouted wheat bread, plain peanut butter, hot milk with vanilla, and anything curry. And I could easily gain back many pounds without sugar or caffeine.

Artificial sweeteners are worse. I used to hate them. Now I crave them. Wicked stuff.

And when it all comes down to it, there is still me: addicted, serving my appetite, having two masters, resolving to do right at the beginning of the day, repenting at the end of it.

What if I went cold turkey? No carbs at all, no artificial sweeteners, no butter. Does that eliminate all the addictive weight gainers in my diet? Maybe.

The holidays are tough for weight-losers. My family ate fresh baked peanut butter blossoms today. You know, the cookies with a Hershey's kiss in the middle. Mmmm. I had a couple pieces Russell Stover sugar free chocolate. Okay, for the record, Russell Stover, and everybody else, with sugar or not, should step off any attempt to re-create Reese's peanut butter cup. Do not mess with perfection. Reese got it right. But Russell has a pretty good imitation of a Skor/Heath bar type of thing.

My problem is that I justify having something for me when they have something. And with Christmas coming and the goose getting fat and the old man having a bunch of pennies and hay-pennies in his hat and all, I have a little list of goodies I'm looking forward to making, banana almond blueberry bread and apple raising walnut cookies. I ordered some sugar free chocolate chips and xylitol to make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.

And my brain is just ready to party. To try to go cold turkey right now, even for a couple weeks, well, I can't get motivated to do it. I'm trying. It isn't working.



It reminds me of the months before we got married. Just trying to save as much intimacy until the wedding as we could. Now, it isn't hard for me to not open Christmas presents ahead of time. I have an old friend whose dad couldn't resist that temptation. They always opened the presents early. So Christmas was kind of nothing for them. And I was talking to a friend recently who said she and her husband had opened their, um, wedding night presents early. For them, the wedding night was just another night.

In a similar way, this eating and celebrating thing is hard for me. For one thing, I'm not just planning on celebrating on Christmas Day itself. The partying begins with a girls' night out, then a lunch with a dear friend who has been away for a while, a Christmas party at the kids' school, the in-laws visit, then the real Christmas, then another Christmas with my fam and finally a New Year's Bash with some of the greatest.

Why bother being good for what amounts to a week? Why alternately crucify and indulge my flesh over and over for the next 3 weeks? Who am I kidding?

I'm not drinking coffee. I'm not eating sugar. And I'm not impressing anyone; least of all me.

What if I could hold it together, just on the days when there isn't any partying to be done? What if those days were just healthy eating days? And maybe (getting desperate here) I get $5 for each day that I meet my goals? And January 1st, I go shopping with whatever money I get for Christmas, plus that?

I'll have to ask the boss, the man, the giver of all good gift$.

Sorry for this post. I can't imagine it being of value to anyone. But maybe it is. Blessings.