Monday, December 10, 2012

Annual Annoying Christmas Song Rant

I am what is called Technologically Inept. Means I am either unable to use certain technology, or too pathetic/distracted/old to learn.

So here is my disclaimer: I know that using Pandora or a good mix on an MP3 player would solve all the problems I am about to whine about, and that by listening to the radio, I voluntarily subject myself and others to whatever songs they choose to play. I get it.

We flip back and forth between the local Christian radio station, which has it's own annoying idiosyncrasies, and the local secular easy listening station, which, between Thanksgiving and January 1st dubs itself "The Christmas Station". The Christian station plays progressively more Christmas music during the season, but plays only purely Christmas music on Christmas day.

So, without further ado, here is what bugs me.

Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart
George Michael/Wham or Taylor Swift
My daughter and I agree that this song is way less annoying when being sung by Taylor, because it is much more appropriate for a teenager to be this goofy than it is a grown man. The song is a whine about a failed romance which the singer admits he would readily renew, while at the same time, vowing that this year he's going to give his heart to "someone special". Not only is it contradictory and misdirected, it's not about Christmas.

The Little Saint Nick
Beach Boys
I guess it fits the Beach Boys, who sang about cars, girls in bikinis and surf boards, not necessarily in that order. But is superlatively dopey. Just dumb.

Sleigh Ride
sung by everybody
No kidding, there are so many renditions of this song, none of them unique. The worst has got to be Air Supply. If those boys felt the need to immortalize their style with a Christmas tune, this was not the song to own. The image of the guy with Euro-fro singing, "giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up let's go" is double wrong. I cannot imagine the humiliation it would take an artist to pull this one off.

Do You Hear What I Hear?
All the divas and some old guys
My problem is not with the interpretation of this song, but the song itself. I'm okay with the night wind talking, and the lamb talking, and the shepherd boy who claims he hears lambs quoting the wind having easy access to the king. But to say that the King said Jesus would bring goodness and light, when what he really did was massacre all the baby boys under the age of 2 in the region, is such a gross misrepresentation that it is simply unbearable. And for women with such marvelous voices as Whitney Houston (who does it best) and Jordin Sparks (a very close second) to sing it with such passion is such a waste. Our version of the song, when we sing along with the radio, says, "Said the king to the people everywhere, listen to what I say, all the baby boys in this region must die because I am afraid of losing my weak hold on my puppet kingship."

All the snow songs
Everybody
Yes, we are having a mild winter, again, and there isn't much snow to be had here in the Midwest. And yes, having some white stuff around does help one to feel more Christmas-ish. But the reality is that there just isn't snow everywhere at the same time, and in some places there is never snow. Are they allowed to celebrate Christmas in Hawaii? Let's get over it, people. Sometimes we will have a white Christmas, sometimes we won't, and it really will be great either way. And the phrase "there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" is so very ridiculous, as if the lack of snow somehow quantifies the poverty there.

O Holy Night
Lotsa folks
This is actually one of my favorite Christmas songs, and it is done well by many. What gets it on this list is the way most everybody feels the need to mess with the lyrics of the second verse. They edit or leave out important parts in order to dumb down or make a song less Christian or less offensive or whatever. This is especially perturbing when it is done by a Christian. I also heard a rendition of O Come All Ye Faithful (on the Christian station, no less), in which the phrase "Word of the Father, now in flesh appearing" had been replaced by "SON of the Father". "The Word become flesh and dwelt among us," John chapter 1, is one of the most marvelous passages in the Bible. Why edit it out? Are people so Biblically illiterate that we have to edit the Bible out of Christmas carols? Or perhaps the singer himself, a Christian, couldn't handle the Biblical text. Sad.

The song we call, "Six Pack at the Grocery Store," because we don't know its name
Dan Fogelberg
Another song whose only connection to Christmas is the chronology of it. It happens to take place at Christmas. The singer runs into his old lover, she still looks good, she's not happy in her marriage, they drink beer and it stops snowing and starts raining. The single redeeming moment in the song happens when the sax solos on Auld Lang Syne, a song that is supposed to be a New Year's song, but I don't know why. I know they sing it at the end of It's a Wonderful Life. But that doesn't make Dan's song a Christmas song.

Santa Baby
Madonna
The cringe factor, as I'm raising daughters to not defraud the character of men by flirting, is unbelievable and I'm just so glad we can't see the singer and what's she's wearing. It is a slippery, slimy, seductive piece of gimme, gimme. A woman drips out her Christmas requests and remarks, "Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed," why? Because she's been so faithful to Santa? She definitely sounds like someone who should be on the naughty list.

Here Comes Santa Claus
Some old guy whose name escapes me
Really, I don't get too bent out of shape about Santa. I tell my kids, he is real, he lived a long time ago, he is dead and in heaven with Jesus, he worshiped Jesus by giving to people who were in need. I tell them that a lot of people like to pretend he is still alive, that he has flying reindeer, and that Christmas is about him, but that if he was here, he would tell us it is all about Jesus. My problem with this song is a verse that is only in an old version, that says, "Santa Claus knows we're all God's children, that makes everything right." That bothers me. The idea that Christmas means peace on earth, good will to men, somehow, without Jesus, bugs me. The peace on earth comes, can only come, from the Prince of Peace. The good will to men is that a Savior is born, God become man. The good will cannot be separated from the One Who Is Good.

And probably worst of all:
Baby It's Cold Outside
Rod & Dolly, among others
I will admit, this song in the movie Elf, done in innocence, is cute. But most versions, and the lyrics of the song itself, are not innocent. And none is worse than the rendition by one of the sleaziest pervs around, Rod Stewart, and the gal with the biggest boobs on earth, Dolly Parton. The song is a proposal, and I don't mean marriage. It's about a guy trying to get a girl to sleep with him, with layers of manipulation. She's saying no. He's pushing. It's just this side of date rape. Filthy.

Now you all probably need to go read the Bible and listen to worship music for a while, since I've slimed your consciences with all this negativity.

What I love are Christmas carols, with Jesus and redemption and even tradition. I love Mommy Kissing Santa Claus and Silver Bells. I don't mind pause and reflect on the last year songs. My favorites are Hark the Herald Angels Sing, I heard the Bells on Christmas Day and others that can be found in hymnals. I like the Little Drummer Boy and even Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. I'm sure some of my songs bug other people. And songs that offend others aren't a big thing to me (you may have noticed I didn't mention Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer).

2 comments:

Tara said...

Awesome. With the exception of you liking Little Drummer Boy. Really? Some kid playing drums out in the middle of a cold night? Where were his parents?! Crazy.

Unknown said...

I totally have to chime in here...my beleaguered husband has to listen to my annual Christmas song rant EVERY year, without fail. I do NOT understand why EVERY decent/indecent/mediocre singer on the market feels the need to butcher innocent Christmas songs!!! LEAVE THEM ALONE! Granted, I am one of those weirdos who listens to Christmas music non-stop from 12/1-12/25, so it's my own fault, but sheesh! If I have to hear Christina Aguilera punish one more innocent Christmas song, I'm going to tear my radio out of my car with my bare hands. I'm adding the Glee cast to that list, as well--I have a real issue with two dudes singing "Baby, it's Cold Outside." In fact, if that song isn't being sung by Dean Martin or Casey Abrams, it's dead to me. And though I usually agree with your sentiments on "Santa, Baby," there is something quite wonderful about Eartha Kitt's interpretation. I believe she makes the song fabulous! Annie Lennox has some dark, mysterious Christmas songs that I like, because they're different--not because they slaughter the original. She's just unique.
However, for the most part, I stick with the classics. You just can't go wrong with Rosemary Clooney and Bing Crosby. You can, however, render yourself permanently affected by listening to too many versions of "I'll be Home For Christmas," or "Sleigh Ride"--BTW, who let Air Supply attempt that song? Yikes!!!!!! I'll stick with the Carpenters. Yeah, I know--when it comes to Christmas music, I'm about 20 years older than I actually am. But it's okay. The alternative is Justin Bieber calling me his "shawty" while attempting to accost me under the mistletoe.
I'm sticking with Bing.