the dark side (as opposed to the bright side)

i'll be honest. there's no bright side today. (i'm talking about the biggest loser portion of the blog, here.) if i were on the show, jillian would be cussing me up one side and down the other. you'd be watching from home and thinking, vote her off. i pretty much swam my way out of a vat of cookie dough today. i made enough for a double batch sunday, and today, well, i think we made 13 cookies. i had help with the cookie dough, but not as much as i needed.

part of me wants to just say, forget it, it's Christmas time, give it up till new years. but i can't. for one thing, it's not a gentle down hill slope. it's a plummet, a cliff. and it's a bitter, crappy climb back up to even the measley vantage point i'm at right now.

for another, as i may have mentioned, sometime i hope to be pregnant again. and my baby is old enough that (as people have started to mention to me) it could happen any time. see, my first 9 babies were born with a spacing of between 15 months and 3 weeks and 17 months and 2 weeks. only my last two have more like two years between them. so when my youngest gets to be 7 months or so, people start looking for an announcement of some kind. my husband even has someone at work that sent out an e-mail predicting one of our due dates, before we were pregnant.

i do the same thing. especially because, as childbearing women are aware, about the time my body is ready to start thinking about being able to become pregnant again - i go through a couple weeks of thinking i AM pregnant again. then, i'm not, and life will go on. but every time my baby is a certain age, i start to wonder . . .

and with that wondering, as i get older, is the knowledge that my body would handle a pregnancy a whole lot better if i weren't so dang fat. and i know, i know it would be better for me to get healthier before getting pregnant again. i know this. it is ridonkulous (my hubby's word) to say to God, here i am, take all of me, use me however You will, and then eat as if i'm trying to commit suicide 15 different ways (diabetes, high blood pressure - those kinds of ways).

having said all that, here's approximately what went in my mouth today:

cookie dough
3 normal sized chocolate chip (whole wheat) pancakes (no butter or syrup)
cookie dough
cookie dough w skim milk
cookie dough
homemade chicken noodle soup (big full bowl)
coffee
cookie dough
some cookie dough
2 cookies (we actually cooked them)
frappucino
2 pieces pizza
pomegranate tea w honey
and i may have had some cookie dough i didn't mention